i wish there wasn’t an oscillating fan at the gym

Twenty minutes before I get to the gym I start farting. It’s a force of nature as strong and reliable as gravity and morons procreating. There appears to be nothing I can do to prevent it, aside from not going to the gym. I tried this approach for four months and now I look like Big Ang. So that’s no longer an option. Luckily, the other day I discovered a new tactic that has proved to be effective, and that is to position myself next, or as near as possible, to the fattest person in the place. From this vantage point, should the inevitable happen, I am not the primary suspect. It’s a shame to say this; more of a shame that it works every time. I realize it’s not 1990 anymore and making fun of overweight people is oh so passé.  But the truth is, I have no readers to offend, let alone overweight readers, and just to cover my ass, if I DID, I wouldn’t stand next to them at the gym.


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