I’ve developed a healthy case of insomnia lately and am slowly going fucking insane. As you can see from this chart I prepared in advance of my performance review, my work is suffering.
I am prepared to create an improvement plan for the productivity and communication issues. The professionalism, well, it’s a work in progress and frankly no improvements will be made in that area until I stop getting shit hammered and offensive at work functions. Obviously, I’m not willing to do that just yet. The personal hygiene is a daily struggle and directly proportionate to my ability to give a shit, which is at an all-time low. When you roll out of bed wanting nothing more than to roll back in it, it’s hard to justify spending five minutes brushing your teeth and hair, or bathing. The sprinklers I hit on my bike ride to work do a fairly good job of giving me that ‘just got out of the shower’ fresh look, even if I feel on the inside like I spooned a bum under the highway.
Insomnia does have its benefits, I suppose: I can finally put my binoculars to work, looking for neighbors having sex; at 3 a.m. I’m introduced to hundreds of goods and services I never knew existed and never knew I absolutely had to have; and at all times you feel like you’re operating in a dream world, so when you fart in the middle of staff meeting it’s like it never happened.