my bike

Dear Diary,
The new bike I ordered should be in and assembled tomorrow.  I could not be more excited. I figured it was time to get something lighter, faster, and more amenable to riding longer distances. Just kidding, I only bought it in an attempt to look cool. I picked up those other excuses on the Internet, I hope they work.  In any event, one major obstacle stands in the way of potential new-found street credibility, and that’s the fact that I’m fairly certain I can’t ride it.
From the time I first learned to ride a bike (which, I admit, was more recent than I care to admit) I have ridden bikes shaped like desk chairs, that promote a straight, upright back and nice posture. With this bike, I sense I am supposed to lean forward–akin to lying on a massage table. I suspect this position will make simultaneous vomiting and riding much easier (that last time was really awkward) but I have a few serious concerns.  How soon after beginning my ride will the bike seat position itself up the front of my crotch?  Will this break my hymen? How quickly upon applying the brake will I be ejected over the front of the bike? How soon after getting it can I expect hipsters to follow me around, assuming I don’t break my hymen or face?  Where do I even begin … I’m as confused as I was that second day of sexual education when I found out that babies don’t come from a man spitting on your thigh …

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