I can tell when I start feeling like I have holes in my life, usually because I wake up hungover, rolling around in a pile of hairy feline vomit, and surrounded by empty candy wrappers. I may or may not have had one of those moments recently–definitely not last Tuesday–but I can tell you, I am missing something in my life. A few things actually, and in spite of my generally horrible attitude and propensity for turning every positive situation into a negative, I’m setting out to enrich my life by adding more of the following:
- Extreme Couponing—If you come from a family of crazy white-trash poor people, watch TLC, or are fortunate enough to visit a Piggly Wiggly, you know about extreme couponing. I don’t understand it, but I want to be about it. Badly. Somehow, if you buy 20 Cornish game hens, 30 boxes of cake mix, and 128 Greek frozen yogurts, you can save money. Not only save money—you could get all this for pennies, although you might have to add 24 packages of toilet paper and 100 Gatorade bottles to come out even. By the way, Piggly Wiggly would be on this list of things I need more of if there were one anywhere near me. I found this picture on their website and would be hard pressed to believe that this woman looks anything like their regular clientele, most of which look like they not only dig Piggly Wiggly, but would also eat Piggly Wiggly.
- Slappin’ the Bag—My foray into the wine scene has been quick and dirty. It started and ended with a box containing a bag of wine. Actually, that’s where it started—it usually ends with me on the floor shit-hammered and probably crying. Although boxed wine is now a staple of my lunch and dinner, I could easily use more of it in my life. I guess that means I need to find a flavor that goes well with breakfast.
- Beer at the Office—Most people probably don’t drink at the office, and those people are probably seriously missing out. But in my humble and often drunk-at-the-office opinion, nothing says “I got this shit” quite like an office beer. Post it right on your desk so your boss knows you’ve got this shit.
- Weddings—Yeah, kidding. I’ve considered telling my friends I am uninterested in attending their wedding but will absolutely be there for them through the divorce. If you think that’s callous, you obviously don’t understand statistics or the value of having a good friend there during the inevitable divorce. The exception, of course, is cat weddings. I’m all about those. Meowtrimony.
- Pie Charts—I woke up this morning thinking “holy hell do I want to make a fucking pie chart today!” This happens to me more than you might think. Everyone needs pie charts in their life and frankly, I don’t know why people don’t communicate using pie charts more often. I once had an entire conversation with a coworker using nothing but pie charts. There were a lot of “yes” and “no” charts involved but that was easily the most effective conversation I’ve ever had.