I recently discovered a WordPress resource that has probably been available since 1999 when the internet was invented by Al Gore. It tells you all about how to be Freshly Pressed, which—of course—is the highest honor given daily to 19 blogs. It’s not really like me to give a fuck about what’s popular on the internet, unless it involves a unicorn and/or his penis, but I occasionally check out what they’ve selected in various categories. Obviously, I take nothing on the internet seriously so I generally look at the “Humor” posts, and from what I can tell—close reading and paying attention can be challenging for me—they are fairy boring, unsuccessful and obnoxious attempts at intellectualism, and often written by parents who are taking a break from their at-home pyramid scheme, sorry, I mean job. These blogs are the Albertson’s Neapolitan ice cream to my Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls, and most of the entries on serious topics are even worse—think melted ice cream that someone has smeared on your car door.
From this resource (“So You Want To Be Freshly Pressed,” http://en.support.wordpress.com/freshly-pressed/) I’m both pleased to finally get some insight into why these blogs are chosen and ecstatic in only a very small way to discover that I obviously meet most of, if not all, their criteria. Here are the factors they look for, and why it’s only a matter of time until I’m selected.
- Write unique content that’s free of bad stuff—Everything that comes out of my mouth (literally or figuratively) is completely unique. Of course, by unique here I mean brilliant. Either way, I’m not stealing this shit from anyone, so I’m guessing the real issue would lie with the “bad stuff” component. On that, WordPress does not condone the use of hate speech, fear-mongering, adult/mature content, spam, or content that’s primarily advertorial in nature. (Note: I didn’t use quotation marks around this last sentence, which is technically plagiarism and WordPress doesn’t condone that either.) I generally don’t use any hateful speech, my repeat references to Piggy Wiggly are not advertorial, and I don’t host any adult/mature content, except for the unicorn penis and that one time the internet thought my blog was a pornography website. As far as gratuitous curse words are concerned, I’m totally fucked.
- Have a point of view—I have many and although most of them do not make sense to normal humans, I am nevertheless fearless in presenting them. Some people may not care about my point of view because it doesn’t pertain to whining about relationships, bratty children, health disorders, or any of the other shit hundreds of thousands of people find relevant on WordPress. But my point of view concerning this is that I don’t give a shit.
- Don’t be afraid of your voice—I’m not but I can assure you that everyone in front of, behind, or around me when I’m on the road is and should be. I am glad the state has given me a driver’s license but I can’t say they made a smart decision in doing so.
- Paint us a picture—I’m not an artist, photographer, or photojournalist, WordPress, but I can make you one hell of a pie chart (click to enlarge).
- Make it easy on the eyes—Why would I bother Cat Painting my face out of pictures if I wasn’t dedicated to making my blog easy on the eyes? It’s not like I have an obnoxious and loudly colored patterned background of my unicorn penis cake. Yet …
- Add relevant tags—I very recently went back through all my posts and tagged them. Primarily “humor” because I think I’m fucking hilarious. Do I have delusions of grandeur? Obviously, I have a fucking blog. But the truth is that I haven’t quite figured out how to blog yet. This is not unexpected—I’m a slow learner on many fronts. I didn’t learn to ride a bicycle until after I learned how to menstruate and I still haven’t learned how to be nice to people. With respect to the latter point, I’d say it’s a work in progress but I’m not working at it, nor do I wish to. Some of us are just assholes, and I happen to be an asshole with a blog that barely anyone reads.
- Write a headline we can’t ignore—You can’t tell me that “mewve over photojournalists,” “Glamourpuss could pee on this,” and “mimosas + memories = meltdown” don’t make you want to drop your infant child on the floor and instantly read those posts. Because they do, and it’s only going to getting better. Stay tuned for “Cat Paint your cat’s taint”!
- Aim for typo-free content—I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: between my cat and my iPad I can do anything, including produce a typo-free blog (and Cat Paint my cat’s taint).
So, based on the logic above—which is flawless in all respects, like this blog—the only thing standing in the way of me and the Freshly Pressed section is the gratuitous curse words and I’ll tell you what, WordPress, if you were to ask me to edit those out, you bet your fucking ass I’d do it!