It’s performance review time, so tensions in the office are high. Tensions in the office are always high because tension accompanies most mental disorders and people in this office are bat shit crazy. OK, I’m not sure if tension accompanies mental disorders, so I apologize to anyone out there with a mental disorder (and if you’re reading this, chances are more likely than not that you have at least one). I’m definitely not qualified to make claims about symptoms, nor am I qualified to diagnose anyone with anything, but clearly I won’t let that stop me on either front. It is in that spirit that I have classified my coworkers in accordance with the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (fourth edition) published by the American Psychiatric Association. Better known by those who study it–and those who are in it–as the DSM-IV. Here we go.
First, we’ve got the office 294.10 Creutzfeldt–Jakob–better known by her nickname Mad Cow. I can joke about this because having lived in Europe and eaten a disproportionate number of McDonald’s Royal Cheese I most likely have mad cow. And clearly in this case, I’m just trying to describe a massive bitch who, while not entirely twitch-pitching her pen across the room, will nevertheless attempt to stab you in the neck for simply existing. Or, in my case, for being exceptionally better at absolutely everything.
Then, we’ve got the 297.1 delusional disorder with a persecutory subtype and the 297.1 with a grandiose subtype. Although similar, these two are not to be confused with one another, and the former’s history of 300.21 panic disorder with agoraphobia and the latter’s 301.81 history of narcissistic personality disorder can help distinguish. Essentially, both are bat shit crazy but one suspects you know it and the other knows you know it and thinks they deserve a raise for it.
Then you have the two or three token Mild (296.31) to Moderate (296.32) major depressive disorders, a condition usually induced by children, although the occasional miserable marriage comes into play every third or fourth Monday of the month. Sucking at your job must also aggravate this disorder.
And then there’s me, 303.00. Look that up. At least I got that one right.