ape tit for $200 (a movie review)

I’m about three years behind in the new release category, mainly because I never go to movies, I only rent them. And this is because I’m convinced that movie theaters harbor entire colonies of bed bugs who are just waiting to find a home. No thank you bed bug, you belong with the homeless, not in my Gucci purse. So I just got around to watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes. This movie belongs on the ‘I wish I’d watched Time Bandits instead’ list and I’m not just saying that because Draco Malfoy is playing with a non-reptilian animal (blasphemy). The CGI effects look like they were generated by a cat operating without the benefit of the miracle super-drug that is the subject of this movie–which, btw, is meth. (It’s no accident that the smarter they got the thinner they got, and further evidence that Hollywood hates fat people.) Oh, and the sweater and pants this idiot savant chimp wears is laughable. There is no way an animal is going to wear pants, get real. Humans don’t even like wearing pants, we just do it because if we didn’t it would be even easier for stupid people to breed and this would devastate the future of our society. Besides, if a chimp were to wear pants, they would obviously be made of velour. So, how would I sum up the various plot holes and lackluster conclusion? Well, I wouldn’t because I quit watching it halfway through, opting instead to read Fifty Shades of Grey aloud to my cat. Meeeoooowwwwwhy would anyone read this trash!?

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