Last night on the season finale of The Real Housewhores of New Jersey, a strange force came through town, devastating all in its wake and unleashing strange tentacle-wielding monsters on innocent townsfolk. Oh wait, that was Stephen King’s The Mist… Close enough. But really, on the season finale of this tacky show highlighting old, orange, leather handbags who–like my cat–think they are people:
- We are led to believe there is a difference between a bikini bar and a strip club, and further led to believe that the former actually exists. Nice try, Melissa.
- Teresa confuses a coincidence with a Twinkie. This is fitting seeing as how she wore a Barney the Dinosaur costume to the “fashion show.” That’s in quotes because the only fashionable thing I was able to spot that whole episode was booze. On the upshot, no, Teresa, you don’t look like the bad guy, you look like a big purple dinosaur.
- Caroline tries to make it all about her, as always, and gets our hopes up by exclaiming her head is going to explode and that she is going to have a heart attack. We were left disappointed on both accounts.
- Jeff Goldblum continues to serve little to no purpose, aside for my amusement.
- Melissa vows never to be fooled by Teresa again, for the 54th time. Jacqueline vows never to be fooled by Teresa again, for the 12th time. Kathy vows to take her husband to Jurassic Park and Teresa vows to keep fooling America with her hairline.
And, that’s a wrap.