Self-Observations of an Idiot Savant (pt. 1)

I am not a lesbian, I just enjoy a nice pair of tennis shoes and a flannel shirt every now and then.

If you preface a conversation with me by saying “I was watching a Hoarders marathon” I’m going to instantly like you and will probably believe anything you tell me. I love that show and have always said: “hoard hard, hoard on, hoard hard-on!” I’ve actually never said that–until now–but those are most definitely words to live by and so I shall.

I get angry, sometimes very angry (especially when sober), and when that happens I throw things and call people cunts.  Ten minutes later I’m usually hammered.

When I’m having a good time, I throw around the c-bomb–a statement of the obvious at this point.  It throws people off and, hopefully, makes them think I’m British. G’day mate.  Wait, wrong country.  F’off yew fokin cunt wanka!  See?!

When socially awkward became the new black, I thought for sure things were looking up for me.  But now I know that is not true.  I also know that social awkwardness is not, in fact, what ails me, rather a strange combination of body odor, lactose intolerance, and anxiety.

I do not live in the land of the appropriate and I hope this blog will serve as a visual reminder of that fact.

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3 Comments

  1. djkendall4

    I thought I was in the clear when being socially awkward was the new orange. What are your thoughts on House Hunters? Because that show is awesome, inspires anger and the desire to hold a cup of coffee or vodka in a coffee mug while partaking in a fake interview about my real estate activities.

    1. catsinyourpants

      My biggest beef with House Hunters is that they only show middle- to upper-class families, and by that I mean families that are nice(r) to look at. I want a ghetto-fab edition. Sure, the camera crew and realtor may need extra security to make sure the tires are still on the car after filming, but imagine how much more interesting that would be than a newly married couple who are looking for a quaint 2.5 in the burbs!

      1. djkendall4

        Usually my favorite episodes of HH include someone pronouncing “Minneapolis” incorrectly – or just indicating that all parts of Minnesota are in fact “Minneapolis”, people who complain about paint colors because well…there are some things you just can’t change in a house that you may or may not buy,

        It would be nice to see an episode of HH that combines an actual budget and foreclosed homes that are missing all their copper.

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