Those of you who watched the Presidential Debate last night may still be wanting those hours of your life back. Mitt “Kitten Mittens” Romney and President Barack-o-rama Obama went ankle-to-ankle at the University of Denver, not even close to head-to-head, which would have necessitated some intelligence and effort—neither of which received tickets to attend last night’s debate. But I still sat through it—mainly so I could write this blog—and here is my sort-of-nonpartisan, fourth-grade-reading-level take on the conversation:
- Jim Lehrer spent most of the evening looking for his Swingline and complaining about salt on his Mai Tai. (I stole that but from a friend so it doesn’t count.) Perhaps Lehrer was focusing too hard on keeping his eyes from popping straight out of his head—a serious possibility, even before Gov. Romney threatened to put him out of work.
- Gov. Romney wants more trade with Latin America, which I’m assuming means the price of drugs will go down if he were elected. That could be a plus?! Pres. Obama is concerned about “getting rid of a whole bunch of stuff.” Sounds like a Hoarders episode.
- The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints takes a hit, as Gov. Romney confirms that—despite the religious upbringing of his children—they are all, in fact, liars. Salt Lake City is in chaos today.
- Pres. Obama spent almost the entire debate looking like a downward-facing Bobble Head. He must have been having issues with the iOS 6 update on his Apple device, like the rest of the free world.
- Gov. Romney sounded like he was wearing a retainer and perhaps the president was keeping his head down to avoid the lisp-generated spit stream. Whatever he had in his mouth, it made pronouncing “inflation,” “legislation,” and “Medicaid” a real bitch.
- Both candidates threw around math and facts, as if the American public could understand either. Now, the Big Bird reference really sunk in.
- Boy do both candidates have great teeth! Gov. Romney’s tie was more impressive and his American flag pin was bigger than the president’s, obviously signifying he is a true, die-hard American who loves his country (and was born here, too).
- With respect to healthcare, Gov. Romney feels that “the private market and individual responsibility always work best”—just not for 47 percent of Americans. So, 53 percent of the time, it works 100 percent of the time. Facts, meet math.
- Pres. Obama spoke of “gateways” and “ladders” of opportunity. Apparently, these are hidden around the country in strategic locations that are most likely not Burger King or McDonald’s restaurants. Keep an eye out!
- Good news for the smart, nerdy, academic types—if the president is reelected, he is looking for math and science teachers. Finally, your time to shine! For those who picked on these types and stole their lunch money—if Gov. Romney is elected, he is looking to uphold the strength of our military.
- Pres. Obama claimed that college is not affordable for many on account of high student loan interest rates and that for most Americans, asking parents to pay for college is not an option. He included University of Denver students in this category, obviously not having done his homework on the demographics of a university whose student body is largely composed of rich people’s children (many of whom are trust-fund rich in their own right). I bet this is a fact and that there is some math behind my claim, although I’m not prepared to provide it (read: find it) at this time.
I digress, but there it is. At the risk of potentially not wanting to hear it, what’s your take, reader?