I’ve recently hit 1,000 viewers, meaning the same three people who read this blog must have been REALLY bored these last two-and-a-half months. I get excited when I hit three viewers a day, so you can imagine this is a pretty big achievement for me.
I was talking to someone who admittedly knows nothing about blogs (I’m the one admitting it, not him) to get some ideas for how to boost my numbers. One of those ideas was to write about things to which people can relate.
His suggestion? Shitting your pants. This wasn’t my first thought but I’ll run with it. In my friend’s estimation–and having done so I’m inclined to agree–is that almost everyone on this earth has shit their pants as an adult. Men and women alike, although the latter is far more likely to deny it than the former. In fact, women will almost never admit it unless they are doing it anonymously over a blog like I am. But to be fair, I’m honest in real life about my “incident” which occurred in the back seat of a Pontiac while driving through Wyoming. I left the evidence in a McDonald’s restroom and blamed the whole thing on “lady issues” until years later when it suddenly because trendy to admit you’ve shit your pants. Long story short, almost everyone has done it, especially, and almost certainly, if you drink alcohol.
There is an old saying that you should never trust a fart, and this is never more true if you’re hungover. (And why would you be in the back seat of a Pontiac driving through Wyoming if you weren’t?) By the way gentlemen, skid marks count–just because it was a slow shit in your pants doesn’t make it any less of a shit in your pants.
Another idea (mine this time) to drive blog traffic was to better engage readers, and encourage comments. Apparently “if I cared about what other people had to say I wouldn’t have started a one-sided blog” isn’t an appropriate mindset in the blogging industry. Neither is “at the risk of not wanting to hear it, what are your thoughts” which I just used, quite unsuccessfully, in my post about the Presidential Debate. Look, I’ve never been accused of being a people person, but all that is changing, at least for the limited purposes of this post, because I want to hear from you, readers–and I actually mean it.
Let’s see if my friend’s theory is right on: Tell me about that awesome, embarrassing, and/or awesomely embarrassing moment when you shit your pants as an adult. Where was it? When was it? Who was it on?! Or, are you in denial? Are you a pants-shitting unicorn–i.e., a lady who doesn’t drink, and probably hasn’t shit her pants before? I know one of those, although after this weekend she may have lost her streak … Anyway, I want to know! America wants to know! The whole world wants to know, because God knows we’re sick of hearing about the deficit and Big Bird.