Hariblowing out of my pants

I’ve always been a major proponent of the ‘do now, ask questions later’ school of thought, so naturally 15 lbs. later I’m wondering “what the fuck happened!?”  Fortunately it didn’t take me long to discover the answer, which lay in a veritable Trail of Tears consisting of bags of Haribo gummy candy leading from the front door to my bed.  It looked like this wrapper, times ten, ravaged, empty, and still sticky from tears, obviously.

Gummy candy wrappers are plastered with “fat free” which is the biggest lie since the Merkin.  If you don’t know what that is, Google it, but potentially NSFW depending on what you get or where you work.

Turns out, these delicious gummy candies mix poorly with excessive amounts of alcohol and the occasional hopelessness that accompanies alcohol, and the result is quadra-boob and “who shoved these two fine Christmas hams down the back of my dress?!”  It’s a sad day for the skinny girl, who these days happens to be hiding somewhere in my right upper thigh.

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9 Comments

  1. missjessedeol

    I loved these gummy bears for 15+ years until last week…I re-discovered what gelatin is made of. I’ll never look at them the same again. Great post =P

    1. catsinyourpants

      Thanks for reading! The worst is that I’ve known, for virtually ever, what gelatin is but I can’t keep from shoving packages at a time in my mouth. It’s truly an addiction. A tasty fucking addiction is that gross after the fact but seemingly never when they’re in front of me. I’m drooling right now …

      1. catsinyourpants

        Being horribly broke right now, I’m tempted to take you up on that offer! Annie’s makes some good vegan gummies that cost about as much as my monthly car insurance. Whole Foods also makes some that taste exactly like beet-colored candle wax. If you know of or discover some great alternatives, let me know about them!

    1. catsinyourpants

      Facebook is dead to me–I just got my six month coin from my Facebook Recovery program yesterday. Kidding, I just hate it and don’t do it anymore. BUT, I will most definitely check out your blog, God knows I could use some positivity every now and then!

  2. dawn of april

    Those are the devil. im a gummiholic-the Annie’s ones are great and im not crazy about the whole foods ones but Im poor so haribo every time…i make sure to mutilate the little bastards for what they are

    1. catsinyourpants

      Amen! The Haribo cherries are for special occasions. Golden Bears, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I saw online recently that they are now making a 5 lbs. bag because 3 lbs. isn’t big enough. Finally, they got the picture!
      Thanks for reading!

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