There are some folks who plan on sitting in front of the TV tonight, watching, eating, and drinking nothing but the incoming election results (and the ensuing legal issues that will plague our country for months to come). There are other folks who have been there, done that, and cried on the floor of the downtown Marriott–all to never do any of that again. I am in the latter category and am therefore offering the following suggestions for non-election activities:
- Pull out some colored paper and crayons, and draw up an Egg Toss Award for your shitty neighbors. They won’t have any idea what it means and you won’t have any idea what it means–a situation like that always makes for a good time. Throw in some Peach Schnapps and shit will get real interesting.
- Get down to your local public library–or get on the internet, I guess–and try your hardest to figure out what the hell the electoral college is, why it matters, and why the vote you cast, after taking two hours off work to go to the polling place, doesn’t.
- Write an email to your therapist, informing him/her that everything you discussed during your last meeting was a complete lie and, in addition to not having a sister or a dog, you ate your weight in potato chips and your 5 pound weight loss was actually a 5 x 3 pound weight gain. But first, wipe the grease off your fingers, laptop keyboards can be expensive to replace.
- Watch reruns of Roseanne and imagine what it would be like if her house was the country and you were Dan–and all your wondering will be answered. Then watch this shaky, crappy video of the nevertheless hilarious Family Guy clip:
- Dine at Golden Corral and spend the rest of the night on the toilet where there is no TV because you are poor and do not live in the Peninsula Hotel. Then feel shame because being poor is so 1997.
- Head down to your neighborhood bar, which should be offering election-night specials that might, depending on which candidates and ballot measures are projected to win in your state, include an almost-legal quarter sack of marijuana and one last abortion.
That about exhausts my ideas. It takes a lot of energy to generate such impressively thoughtful suggestions. Good luck to everyone and their candidates, unless you voted for Roseanne Barr, in which case you need to include that piece of information in your letter to your therapist, and good luck to you on a much more fundamental level.