We all know that in the real world, a good old-fashioned beat down takes place in cheer-leading outfits on the football field. Unfortunately, those of us in the professional world do not have the benefit of pom-poms, do not have regular access to football fields, and could not fit into cheer-leading outfits if we wanted to which is not to say that we don’t try every now and then, especially after a particularly horrific colon cleanse. No, in the professional world we have to find other venues in which to pursue our feuds, and in my experience, which is tinged with mediocrity, they most often come to head here, at the Canon imageRUNNER C5185i Color Copier–a.k.a. The Graveyard (C5185i).
It’s at The Graveyard (C5185i) where Bring it On: Office Edition throws down daily between the hours of 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.
And what does this war zone look like? Here’s the scene on any given Thursday. If you are incapable of making it to the printer within five seconds after hitting print, Patty Print-Too-Much has your document in her stack and you’ll probably never see it again. If you’re printing a two-pager in a rush, it will be a few hours until you get that document because Nancy No-Notice is printing and collating twenty sets of board meeting materials. Also consider it a lost cause if you forget about a printout because either Tammi Trash-Everything has already declared it unclaimed and thrown it away or Harry Hide-Everything has safely tucked it away in who-the-hell-knows-where. Under either circumstance, Randy Recycle will eventually find your lost printouts and guilt-trip you for wasting paper. And all this is assuming your document can even clear to print because Fred Fuck-Up-the-Fax has stalled the system, Connie Copyholic has an unresolved jam behind tray 3, or Tom Turn-On-and-Off forgot to re-flip the on switch. It’s a passive aggressive blitzkrieg out there–trust me, it’s ugly.
The most dangerous moments at The Graveyard (C5185i) occur when a number of the aforementioned coworkers gather there at the same time. Fred and Connie are fighting over the top feed and paper-size setting, Nancy has just started a bulk mailing at the same time Patti has printed out every email she received last week, and Harry is busy pulling finished print jobs from the tray and shoving them down his pants. Then walks in Regina Refrigerator who is never more than two feet from a food source and Walter Watercooler, whose office location you have never actually determined–both of whom want to know “what the haps are?!” Inevitably, Front-Desk Franny joins the party because, well, what the hell else does she have to do on any given day. And then there’s you, trying to wade through this hell to pick up a draft report that will most likely end up jammed in tray 2 but before that can happen the toner runs out. At this point, everyone leaves to repeat the scene an hour later, after Sally the Secretary has replaced the toner and stained the carpet in the process.
It’s a shit show of unprofessional proportions.