my parents would be proud

Holy shit, what a crazy Sunday!  Here’s the scene: It’s 7:40 a.m. and I’ve been up for hours with what I can only assume is the stomach flu.  I’ve been battling something for over a month now and I guess it’s finally hit.  As I’m laying on the couch, my stomach cramps to the point where I think I might puke, or worse, so I run to the bathroom.  Nothing comes up but something really, really isn’t right.  I’m on the toilet and it happens again.  I apologize to my friends whose house and bathroom it is, just before I’m screaming in pain with the most massive cramp I’ve ever felt.  It lasted for what seemed like forever and just after my friends told me to never come back, I feel an incredible sense of relief.  As I get up, ready to shower massive apologies and AJAX on my friends and their bathroom, I realize there’s a baby in the toilet.  I didn’t know I was pregnant!

OK, truth be told that was a scene from TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, a show and phenomenon I will never wrap my head around.  But that’s almost what I felt like Sunday morning as I was finishing my High Life, lacing my boots, and trying to figure out why hundreds of people had viewed my blog just that morning.  I figured there were just a ton of really bored people on WordPress, searching for a pie chart about drugs.  Hey, it could happen …  Turns out, that post had been Freshly Pressed and I had no idea.  For those of you who knew about this gem of–cough: excuse for–a blog before, well, yesterday, I had previously analyzed my chances (using a pie chart, naturally) for getting Freshly Pressed (see: Why My From Concentrate Blog Is Better Than Your Freshly Pressed) and concluded I was just screwed and doomed to obscurity, like most hipsters.  But it turns out there is a WordPress editor out there who gets as excited about pie charts as I do (I don’t know how she feels about drugs) and there it is:

And there I am after finding out while sitting on the gondola, heading to the top of a solid block of ice that is masquerading as a ski resort at the moment.

I guess the lesson I learned is that email can be an informative little tool.  Another lesson, that I’m sure hundreds of WordPress users learned yesterday, is that the Freshly Pressed content tags can be deceiving.  By classifying Cats In Your Pants as “data” WordPress no doubt confused and angered scores upon scores of scientific data-seeking readers who came to my blog thinking they stumbled upon a serious pie chart representation of addiction.  The disappointment must have been like (SPOILER ALERT) finding out there was no Santa Clause on Christmas Eve at age 7.  Many apologies to those finding themselves in that situation–I had no say over the tag, otherwise it would have said “More Candy-Raining Unicorn Magic Time” or “More Water Into Wine and Booze Into Bath Salts.”  But alas, we find ourselves with “More Data” and absolutely no redeeming scientific or empirical value.  Sorry, but not sorry I party.

The best thing about being Freshly Pressed (queue acceptance speech montage) is finding out that I am not the only person who gets a laugh at my posts.  Prior to yesterday, I suffered from the delusion that only my parents liked me and friends only laughed at my jokes because crying wasn’t an option.  But now, I know, there is at least one other person out there who finds me slightly funny.  It’s posted in a comment on my blog as proof, and people wouldn’t lie in a post on the internet.  The second best thing about being Freshly Pressed is the 12,522 thoughtful spam comments that I have received.  Here are a splattering of my abs favs:

  • Ассоциация Sapros предлагает в лизинг разнообразную спецтехнику. Весь парк авто имеется в рабочем положении и всегда готов к вашим услугам.
    Эксковаторы могут произвести стороительные манипуляции быстро и качественно. Аренда спец техники дает возможность намного сохранить деньги на ее покупке, а, значит, и траты на ремонт в общем.
    Наша компания предоставляет гибкую тактику скидок, приятные цены, хорошее качество и доброе отношение к любому клиенту. наша компания всегда рады вас видеть.
  • This does not mean, necessarily, letting down your guard and pouring your heart out about how much you love your grandmother. Your topic will also influence how personal or professional you want to come across in your style. If you would think twice before saying something in a phone call or email to a customer, you should leave it out of your blog.
  • Sofia Coppola a été inspiré par les formes emblématiques rapide et Keepall pour cette journée en daim confortable bag.its est particulièrement pure,ce qui lui donne un toucher doux sensuel thats particulier à cette ligne.
  • Hi. I am not certain if I coincide be the victor in the prior to arguments. I induce a predicament.  I induce a headache.

If that doesn’t bring tears to your eyes, then you’re a heartless robot.  I think there’s a medication for that, but I’ll have to get through all this spam and get back to you.


8 thoughts on “my parents would be proud

  1. Nice one Mrs Cats. The recognition you deserve at last, good effort! I was going to go with Gratz Catz to start with but thought better of it and kept it to myself. I really wish it was possible to delete old comments now that you are rich and famous though… 😀

    1. Aww, that’s very nice of you, although I am neither rich nor famous. You’d be very impressed how many comments I’ve gotten in ratio to viewers. It’s like 1:500–i.e., not good–but then again I’m not good at math.

      In any event, you’re next, I can feel it. In fact, I think my “data” tag that WordPress assigned me funneled in a bunch of viewers that would better be suited reading your blog. Just watch–you’ll be tagged “Crass Humor”!

  2. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed, that’s how I found your blog 🙂

    That must be exciting, hope I get there one day! I’m pretty envious of those spam numbers, and the being categorized as Data made me laugh lol. I can just imagine all the geeks getting mad at your ‘stats’ >.<

    Keep going!


    1. Thanks again, Rohan! I’ll try not to disappoint from here on out–the bar has been set high! OK, maybe not THAT high. I hope you keep reading, and remember to leave off that second pair of underwear.

  3. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! I remember you telling me that, but I never responded. I just started looking at my spam comments the other day, and there some real gems in there. Ones so good I was THIS CLOSE to unmarking them as spam.

    1. Thank you! I am fairly certain I have you to thank. I just rode in on the tailcoats of your fame, catching a WordPress editor in a drunken moment of weakness. That’s generally how I achieve all my success. In thanks, I will start crafting very spam-like comments to post on your page. I’ll start looking for creepy drug advertisements now …

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