Are you there, Greenland? It’s me, El.

After this past weekend, my blog traffic went from Walmart to World Market, with visitors and accompanying spam from countries I’ve never even heard of, like Canada and Mexico.

Now, we Americans have never been exceptionally good at geography, grammar, sentence construction, critical thinking, public speaking …

… but luckily, WordPress–anticipating that U.S. Americans and individuals in countries like South Africa and the Iraq wouldn’t know which way North was without a cartoon picture–set up a nifty map that enables one to jump from country to country like Dora the Explorer, minus the annoying Spanish lesson.

Pictures are far easier to understand than words and numbers, so I’m really thankful for this function–a point I will be sure to reiterate at the dinner table next Thursday.  This map made me realize a number of very intuitive things about geography, my blog, and the people who come to it for purposes of selling Nike Air Jordans, headache medicine, Herpes medicine, and, well, stuff that while I’m sure is helpful and totes legitimate, I just have no need for at the moment.  So, here are my Miss-Teen-USA-inspired thoughts:

  1. Boy that Russian Federation is a huge bitch!  If you squint just right it sort of looks like a big lizard that is crapping out Europe.  I bet it sometimes feels that way too.
  2. How pissed is Canada that we ended up with Alaska, am I right?!  Well, at least until it became clear we breed people like Sarah Palin up there…  But wait, is that an iguana across the ocean to the West?!
  3. There’s a whole string of countries in South America that haven’t looked at my blog yet, including the two drug giants, Colombia and Bolivia.  If I’m really going to succeed with the Drugohol, I’m going to have to get their attention.
  4. If India were a hardened thug, Sri Lanka would be its teardrop tattoo. Respect.
  5. There must be no internet in Sub Saharan Africa, save Nigeria where a server farm the size of Kenya is generating thousands of blog comments a second, and spamming unsuspecting WordPress bloggers.  Remember those good ol’ days when there was just a single email from your long-lost uncle who happened to be a Nigerian prince?  So do I … sigh …
  6. What, exactly, is up there in Greenland and why hasn’t the United States soaked it up into our nine layers of environmental hell?
  7. Upside down, the United States looks like a rhinoceros.  Coincidence?  I think not.


2 thoughts on “Are you there, Greenland? It’s me, El.

  1. Excellent observations. What I want to know is, does the wrinkly old face with the massive goatee that is Alaska give the Russian Iguana a sneaky kiss when no one’s looking?

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