Self-Observations of an Idiot Savant pt. 2

I am the kind of girl who can get hit in the face with a dildo and hold her head high. Unfortunately, when this instance actually came to pass it was the battery pack side of the dildo and it hurt too badly to hold my head very high. Yes, I put Abreva on my lip immediately after.

I’m a die hard romantic and Mr. Right is out there. I’m guessing he vomits in saucepans. Either that or vomits under the bed and pees in my sink, but I’m hoping the former plays out because I already live with that guy and he isn’t my biggest fan, or so it seems when he bites my ankles night after night.

I almost always have the urge to fart at the gynecologist. I used to think that the doctor couldn’t tell I was holding it in, until I learned of and saw instances of cake farting (definitely NSFW). Now I’m not so sure, and these days I usually take a few days off from eating before one of these appointments.

Screaming at small children–infants even–is just too easy, which is probably why I find it so enjoyable and satisfying. Such small effort for such a large payoff. It’s like taking candy from a baby. And then yelling at it. Quite literally.

Like Spinal Tap’s David St. Hubbins, I believe everything I read (on the Internet). I can’t tell you how many times I have mourned the death of Angelina Jolie and if a copy of the Onion ever hits my Inbox, I’m confused for days.

Sometimes I want to pick up my cat and plop him on my lap while I’m on the toilet. I want to, but obviously I don’t because that would be super weird, huh?!

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12 Comments

      1. pegges

        lol 😀 you do already. I’m admiring your talent to write blogs that are so easy to read and always makes someone smile and giggle. good job!!

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