your search ends here

For those of you not blogging on WordPress, and who have somehow found their way onto this blog, there is a statistics function whereby you can track a number of incredibly relevant and usually depressing statistics.  You’ll remember—maybe not so much—when I wrote about the view-by-country statistics.  Well, another one that I find truly interesting is the Search Engine Terms function.  The name does not necessarily reflect what it actually does—it shows all the search engine terms.  These are the terms that purportedly led searchers to this blog, but I have to think it is bullshit because I’ve tried some of these searches and although I’ve ended up with some really interesting finds, none of them were the interesting find that is Cats In Your Pants.  But bullshit or not, some of them are absolutely precious.  So, in no particular order, because it’s impossible to prioritize brilliance, here are some of them:

  • “embarrassing moment pooped pants not completely”—If this search was intended to find out how to react after such a situation, the short answer is to keep your pants on and find a bathroom, preferably STAT.  That is also the obvious answer.  Regardless of the situation, however, a shart counts as pooping your pants, so I’ll hear none of this “pooped pants not completely” shit, no pun intended.  Check that off in your book, my friend.
  •  “useless cat”—Blasphemy.
  • “i have a cat in my pants”—Me too, let’s meet!
  • “weight gain in prison”—I wouldn’t know anything about this, but I’d imagine most weight gain in prison takes the form of a large and muscular human body strapped to your backside.
  • “jeff goldblum ‘could have should have’ from Jurassic Park”—Jeff Goldblum’s “could have should have” list from Jurassic Park is most likely of significant lengths and probably starts with 1) I shouldn’t have been in that movie, 2) I should have done a better job of acting in that movie, 3) I should have accepted that role in The Fly: 24 instead of Jurassic Park, and so on.
  •  “funny pie charts don’t give a shit”—No they don’t, and neither does the Honey Badger!
  • “effective pie of life”—I’m pretty sure the effective pie of life is pumpkin pie.  That, or Denny’s Peanut Butter Cup pie.   You will find neither inside the computer.
  • “pie graph of if fitness is bad or good?”—That depends:


  • “how to avoid lisp with retainer”—Oh boy, this is an obvious one: there is no solution, sorry kid.
  • “what can break a hymen”—Probably lots of things!  My sparkly new hipster single speed did not, in fact, break my hymen but it probably could have if I had ridden it way harder than I did—i.e., at all.  I know one thing that can definitely break a hymen but I won’t talk about that, for fear my blog will be categorized as porn again.
  • “cats take your pants off”—It is one of the unfortunate realities of life that cats cannot take their pants off—unless they were wearing pants, but cat owners don’t generally suffer from the illusion that it’s acceptable to put clothing on an animal, unlike 20-something women who dress their yappy-rat dogs daily.  Granted, we WILL occasionally dress our felines to take pictures and post them on the internet.  That is WAY different.
  • “how to make your pants look like zombie pants”—Easy: consume some bath salts, run wild in the woods, eat someone’s face off, and get tased to high hell by the FLPD.  At that point, your pants—assuming you’re still wearing them—will look like zombie pants.
  • “why I think people are staring at me pie chart”—They’re staring at you because you’re obviously weird and highly paranoid.  They don’t make pie charts explaining these sorts of things, but they do make drugs, and strong ones at that.
  • “teresas hairline sharts at her eyebrows”—This is easily one of the funniest things I have ever read.  I don’t know if this is a mistype but either possible interpretation is dead on: Terea’s hairline starts at her eyebrows; Teresa’s hairline sharts her eyebrows.
  • “I heart your pants”—I heart yours back.  Wink.




  1. jeneralinsanity

    You’re so lucky! I heart your pants, too! I also believe that you can’t “poop your pants not completely”. Shit is shit, buddy. And when it’s IN your pants, your friends are going to know.

    My most searched terms are things like: German shizer porn, gnome bestiality, red headed constipation face, and encrypted_search_terms. I’ve also tried to search some of those terms and have never come across my blog. I’m pretty sure that it’s a conspiracy. And I should probably go back and change some of my tags and a title…

  2. Jessamine in PDX

    None of mine are as fun as yours! The only really random searches I get are porn related. But I guess I deserve that for having a tag that says “foodporn.” However I also get lots of hits for “domesticity porn.” I can never decide if it’s housewives looking for interior decorating tips or guys wanting to see naughty maids. Oh well… Now I really just wish I knew more about Teresa’s hairline…

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