I Will Survive

Here is a song about my night, with a few liberties taken, in the tune (and spirit) of Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive:

(queue piano)

at first I was afraid
then I was real pissed off
kept thinking why the hell’d
that waitress throw away my sauce
but then I spent a bit of time
tryin’ to hold back all my tears
and I grew strong and said “I wasn’t done,
you’d better buy me a new beer”

(queue synthesizer; activate disco ball and strobe light)

and she said “No!”
get out of here
you’re delusional if you think
I’m gonna buy you any beer
you left it on the bar
and passed out on the bathroom floor
you’re a whore who’s cheap and doesn’t tip
and you’re not welcome anymore”

it took all the strength I had
not to throw my chair
she was standing there
with that dumb look
and a stupid feather in her hair
but I took a deep breath
and smiled instead of scowled
then I looked at her and said real loud
“girl, it’s game on now!”

I said “now wait
I’ll beat you bitch!
if you knew how to do your job at all
then I’d have given you a tip
but you’re over there with all those boys
your sloppy boobs hangin’ out your shirt
I bet the list of dudes you’ve cycled through
is longer than your skirt”

and that’s when I
I let it fly
I said “you’re going to buy that beer for me
or your ass is gonna die
you can talk a bunch of shit
and try to kick me out this place
but I’m too broke to buy another one
so move you ass and replace!”

that’s when the cops
walked in the door
and it looked very clear even through the beer
that I wouldn’t win this war
so I got my ass up out that bar
and took myself outside
I found a bush, crouched down in it
to wait and beat her at her ride

because I
I’m not a whore
just when I can’t buy drinks
and have no cash
there’s no good moods anymore
and I hope next time she goes to trash
a perfectly good drink
she’ll remember me and all my rage
and she’ll stop herself and think

she’ll think “I suck
at this job and more
I should just quit and leave
pack up my things
and go walking out the door”
and she’ll rip that feather out her hair
and leave that bar for good
so next time I’m out with friends
and on a bend
I’ll get all the beer I should
hey … hey ….

(queue fade out; put pants back on)


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