It’s the day after Christmas and millions of Americans are officially broke. Many are also disappointed in that World’s Best Dad tie from their son, 30-pack of underwear from their mother, or unidentifiable house plant from their husband. Well, that’s what you get for confusing Santa Christ with Jesus Claus, and commercializing a holiday that’s ultimately about love and virgins.
But we all live in this commercial holiday hell, some of us just do it better than others–for example, anyone who got a Lexis for Christmas. I don’t know if those commercials work but I’m keepin’ hope alive. While this wasn’t my LexChrist to Remembras, I made out well in the gift department. In what way, you ask? Well, it turns out, in a not-so-sober moment of weakness (or empowerment) I got online and bought my own Christmas presents. When they showed up at my door, it was like Santa Claus himself had hand-picked all my objects of desire and dropped them off at my house on Christmas Eve–and charged me for them. When
I remembered what had happened realized I didn’t remember what happened, I looked into returning these items but there wasn’t a “too drunk when I ordered” return category. Because I couldn’t lie on Christmas Day and claim they were “too large” I kept them, and pretended like someone else bought it all for me. After all, it’s Christmas and baby Jesus would have wanted me to celebrate his birth with a brand new iPad.