post- Chri$tma$ report

It’s the day after Christmas and millions of Americans are officially broke. Many are also disappointed in that World’s Best Dad tie from their son, 30-pack of underwear from their mother, or unidentifiable house plant from their husband. Well, that’s what you get for confusing Santa Christ with Jesus Claus, and commercializing a holiday that’s ultimately about love and virgins.

But we all live in this commercial holiday hell, some of us just do it better than others–for example, anyone who got a Lexis for Christmas. I don’t know if those commercials work but I’m keepin’ hope alive. While this wasn’t my LexChrist to Remembras, I made out well in the gift department. In what way, you ask? Well, it turns out, in a not-so-sober moment of weakness (or empowerment) I got online and bought my own Christmas presents. When they showed up at my door, it was like Santa Claus himself had hand-picked all my objects of desire and dropped them off at my house on Christmas Eve–and charged me for them. When I remembered what had happened realized I didn’t remember what happened, I looked into returning these items but there wasn’t a “too drunk when I ordered” return category. Because I couldn’t lie on Christmas Day and claim they were “too large” I kept them, and pretended like someone else bought it all for me. After all, it’s Christmas and baby Jesus would have wanted me to celebrate his birth with a brand new iPad.


8 thoughts on “post- Chri$tma$ report

  1. I had a wonderful dinner with roommates and their families. Scattered family members sent me gift cards to Barstrucks, Busway, and Steinie Rob’s Gables.

  2. I got a sparkly purple wallet with a zombie pinup girl on it and a pair of squirrel underpants. Apparently people think that because I’m funny, I want useless junk for the holidays? Besides, there is no way in hell these underwear are going to fit on ANY of my squirrels. They’re way too big! Which is why I make my own when I’m going through my bouts of insomnia. *duh!*

    Good for you for getting wasted and ordering your own stuff. It’s a double surprise that way. First when the box shows up, then again when you open it! Good plan. I think that’s what I’m asking for next year… A drunken online shopping adventure.

    1. Squirrel underpants?! What the hell are those? I’m so out of the loop on things these days.

      Let’s turn this drink-and-buy holiday into a national event next year! We’ve got a couple hundred days now to get the word out.

      1. It’s a gag gift. A tiny little pair of undies on a cardboard squirrel. There’s not even a tail hole! *sad sigh*

        But, yes. I agree. We need to start a campaign to spread the word about bad gift giving prevention all over the world! In my mind, drunk self-shopping is the only way to get what you want while maintaining the element of surprise…

      2. Wow, so they’re exactly what they sound like. Do you have a squirrel to go with them? You’d think whomever bought you squirrel underwear would be courteous enough to give you a squirrel to accompany them … Jerk.

      3. That’s what I said too! I asked him where the squirrel was, and he just said “uhh… Hey! Look at that awesome wallet!”. The Manchild won’t buy me taxidermy. He thinks it’s creepy.
        Well, I think his face is creepy. So there!
        I should start a fund to get me a squirrel for my underpants. (that’s totally what I would call it, too) I wonder if anyone would donate to that…?

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