resolutions with no resolution

This is always a really special time of the year. People are in the holiday spirit, showing appreciation to the past and looking to the future, and thinking through all the New Year’s resolutions that they will carefully make and write down, and do absolutely nothing with. In the history of New Year’s resolutions, I don’t think a single one of them have been fully realized. I may be generalizing for millions, billions, of humans, but prove me wrong. Sure, we eat a few carrots and broccoli spears in our quest to eat better and have a couple 20-minute treadmill sessions in our effort to be fit, but then we wake up, get real, and give up.

Still, making New Year’s resolutions is a nice exercise in optimistic futility, so I continue to do it, even knowing there is no way in hot, sweaty hell that I am going to follow through, or even think about doing so. This year, my list is populated with a few of the same offenders, but also a few new ones.

Workout more: At all would be a start; the sky is the limit with this one.

Meet more meth addicts: I’ve been taking some medication that gives me the wicked shakes and therefore also gives me a new appreciation for meth addicts and their wall-crawling-bug-induced shakes and paranoia. I almost feel like those are my people these days. Except I have great teeth. And a career. And hope for the future. Ok, that may be going too far.

Pray at least once: To whom and/or what TBD, but it might involve beer and/or imaginary deities.

Stone someone: Not to death, maybe just a few stones. They don’t have to be buried either, and can run around in whatever fashion they prefer. If I hit them, I will get a cupcake. If I don’t, I will get to try again.

Eat more cupcakes: Whose list isn’t this on? Be honest with yourself. That’s what I thought.

Have or host an intervention: Which side of the coin I end up on is somewhat uncertain, but no matter what end, these events seem like a real awkward time, which means plenty of laughs.

Revamp my image: As you may have guessed from my last post, I am somewhat disturbed to learn that I come across as something other than the witty, intelligent, professional on an as-needed basis, and absolutely hilarious to a very selective crowd woman/child that I am. Although my best friend’s tattoo speaks for the both of us when it says ‘Sorry We Party!’, I have many redeeming qualities that at least one person is overlooking. Readers, look forward to meeting some of my redeeming qualities in 2013, assuming I can figure out how to display them at a bar or while vomiting.

Get another shitty tattoo: I don’t want anymore shitty tattoos–God knows I have enough–but I seem to make a habit of getting one a year so instead of looking back on the inevitable as a horrible mistake (which I will end up doing anyway), I might as well make it a resolution and consider it a success. Just like other nearly homeless and societally defective degenerates.

Act my age: HA! Get real.

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6 Comments

  1. MEOWhearthis

    Mmm. Cupcakes. I resolve to write Whole Foods incessantly complaining about how they never have vegan cupcakes when I make the trek there and am too afraid to ask the lady in the bakery if they have any because the same one is always there and gives me death stares when I ask (I also resolve to find out why she hates me so).

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