we built this city on booze and Trazadone

I have an eagle ear when it comes to hearing the sound of annoying, trashy, house bass. I can hear it down the block and hate it so much, my mind has tricked itself into thinking I can actually feel it too.

Hearing electronic music sober (well, sober from ecstasy and other party drugs) just grinds my gears. And it does even more so when it’s my next-door neighbors pumping that shit on a night when I’m laid up on the couch suffering from the side effects of antibiotics, a bleeding throat, and swollen ear drum. (Boo hoo, I told you I wasn’t quite done bitching about this.) Anyway, when anything like this happens, I tend to take it all in stride. No, I’m totally kidding, I stress the fuck out and get wicked pissed. So here’s how my thought process worked the other night when the bass of some shitty song started making the fat on my ass giggle on the floor. Don’t worry about why I was on the floor.

9:40 p.m.: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?!?!

9:42 p.m.: Jesus, sounds like 405 is having a party. Ugh, I hate those shit bags!

9:50 p.m.: I guess it’s not even 10 p.m. yet, so I can’t really get that pissed. And I probably can’t file a noise complaint yet. YET–you wait fuckers.

9:51 p.m.: Fuck, do I have any Xanax lying around?!

10:02 p.m.: What the hell is all that banging?! How many people are going into that apartment and why do they have to slam the fucking door! Put your head in there assholes, and let me at it!

10:04 p.m.: Oh, I can’t believe this shit. It’s bad enough I have to hear that yappy rat dog and that yappy bitch owner barking all day, now this?!

10:05 p.m.: I’m taking extra Trazadone tonight, and where is the rest of that beer …

10:06 p.m.: Shit, I am thinking like a really old lady right now. It’s only 10 p.m., I should be out right now partying myself. Wait, why am I not? I don’t have any friends that’s why. That is really depressing. Where has my life gone?! Where is my life going?! I’m too good looking to be at home alone on a Saturday night, how pathetic!

10:11 p.m.: Well, that was a well-timed emotional breakdown, complete with a techno/rap soundtrack. The least they could have done is let their neighbors know they were having a party. Isn’t that the courteous thing to do? At least that way I would have known and could have gone to stay somewhere else. But wait, where would I have gone?! I don’t have anywhere to go!! Why don’t I have any friends, and why am I alone right now on a Saturday night?!?!

10:20 p.m.: Mental note to self–buy more tissues and remember to ice eyes so I don’t look like I’ve been crying irrationally for 20 minutes.

10:21 p.m.: Jesus, this music is annoying. How many people can they fit in that tiny fucking apartment?! I swear to God, if they start hanging out in my balcony, I’m going to bust out the door and break some teeth. Is that someone in my deck chair?! No, OK, that’s fucking right, bitches.

10:25 p.m.: Oh great, look at all those people leaving to go smoke. Lung cancer ‘s a bitch you assholes, choke on it. Wait, are they smoking outside or leaving? Look at those three jerks out there smoking, wait, no, leaving. That’s fucking right, bitches.

10:26 p.m.: Hmm, sounds like they went to the bar. I should be at the bar … where did all my friends go?!

10:27 p.m.: Fuck, those extra Trazadones may have been a mistake … God dammit, where the hell did that wall come from? Is that blood or cat puke? Do I care right now? No. That’s fucking right, bitches.

9:26 a.m.: Why… the fuck… am I on the floor…

9:28 a.m.: Where are all my clothes?

9:30 a.m.: When did I get those nachos?!


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