Happy Mew Year

Happy New Year, friends!  Although yesterday was the most appropriate time to make such a declaration, the New Year doesn’t really begin for me until the second day of January, at which time I can (usually) walk in a straight line and (sort of) think straight (or as straight as it gets).  And of course, it’s usually on this day that–still pumped and rested/exhausted from the holidays–we all suffer the cataclysmic letdown of having to go back to work.  There’s nothing quite like a few days off that makes coming back seem like an excruciating exercise in despair.  I’m sitting here, either typing with my eyes closed or staring listlessly into space, listening to Enya, and trying real hard not to cry/fall asleep/quit/crawl under my desk.  That’s right, Enya.  Nothing says melancholy despair like Enya; she is the soundtrack to devastation, at least my devastation.

But not all is lost.  Not even two full days into the New Year, and I have already fulfilled some of my New Year’s resolutions.  Tuesday morning, at approximately 3:14 a.m., I stoned someone.  I did not get a cupcake, but that was really secondary to the resolution itself.  Besides, there is really nowhere to buy cupcakes at that time of the evening/night, with the exception of gas stations, and my standards for cupcakes preclude me from partaking in that trash.  I also bought a head of lettuce last night, fulfilling my resolution to eat right.  On second thought, I guess I actually have to eat it before I can completely claim success, so we’ll see how that turns out.  The nice thing about lettuce is that it takes no time at all to wilt into a drippy mess of brown slop in your fridge.  Other vegetables, like onions, take an incredibly long time to decompose, and in the interim provide a glaring reminder of your consistent failure to consume them.  Finally, a resolution that wasn’t on my list but has been added after the fact, was to do more piss-poor breakdancing, which I more than achieved on New Year’s Eve.  My knees and friend’s furniture bore witnesses to that miracle.

So, by early New Year’s day, things were definitely looking up for me and perhaps the arm chair that I was talking to throughout the course of the evening was right, 2013 is going to be my year.


2 thoughts on “Happy Mew Year

  1. First, genius textual rendering of vegetables in the fridge and their affects on human females’ self-esteem. Second, the end of the holidays mean that my “funemployemt” is back to loneliness and History Channel when all my friends and family go back to work. Boo. Happy New Year, Elanore!

    1. Happy New Year to you, my murdered-out friend! Your funemployment may have ended but I hope to extend that a bit for you in a week. Also, if you are looking for some entertainment to combat your loneliness, start watching TLC. The shows on that very informative channel will make you want to stay indoors and will make loneliness look like a blessing from God, or whatever the hell is up there running this quickly sinking ship.

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