every Tuesday is fat for me

I have never been accused of being a religious person, in fact the only discussions on religion I start or engage in are during awkward cocktail parties, right after same-sex marriage but before politics.  I do, however, like to jump on the religious bandwagon when doing so would amuse me or would result in me getting presents.  One religious observance that I have yet to consider, because I find it to be neither amusing nor related to receiving presents, is Lent.  The Latin name for this observance is ‘Quadragesima’ which is deceiving because Quadragesima, to me, suggests a four-person orgy is involved.  But this is not the case and because you all, I’m sure, know what Lent is, I’ll skip the Wikipedia run-down and cut to the chase.  I have always been way more of a Mardi Gras girl than a Lent lady, but this year is a bit different.  I’m going to participate in the ritualistic self-denial which is the only part of Lent about which I happen to know.

Of course, I’m not doing this for religious purposes.  No, the truth is I have put as much lipstick as I can on this pig, it’s time to get serious about getting back in shape.  The gym was the obvious answer but yes, you’re right, no need to get ahead of ourselves.  Before I turn to physical exertion and, I presume, sweating, the first step in my estimation was to quit candy.

Just the thought of it is making me shake, but consider me committed and by that I mean consider me as committed as an addict can be.  I know that’s not a very reassuring message but it’s all I’ve got.  Depending on how it goes, I might just throw in a visit to the gym, but I’m going to wait until my withdrawal symptoms subside and I can walk into the establishment without pulling out my hair and eating it.  I’ve read that you can break a habit in two weeks and although I have found that to be both wrong and wrong, I figure I will prove that proposition wrong once again.  In reality, I think there are only two events that truly break habits–death and babies–both of them lasting well over two weeks and neither of them something I’m willing to try for purposes of Lent.  And come to think of it, having a baby wouldn’t break a candy habit, if anything it would make it worse because you are then doomed to year after year of sugary bribes.

Anyway, I don’t know about you but my celebration of Mardi Gras is going to consist of pure high fructose corn syrup and cane sugar.  Oh yeah, and sweatpants.  Move over alcohol, you’ll have your time to shine.

Happy Mardi Gras!

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