I am one of many who, no doubt, have been affected by the worldwide grounding of Boeing’s 787 Dreamliner. I fully understand the decision and, no sarcasm intended, appreciate the airlines’ decisions to “postpone” the inauguration of certain routes relying solely on these aircraft. But, like everything else in this world, the devil is in the details and by devil I am, of course, referring to customer service agents. While waiting on hold for a combined hour and a half this morning and cycling through useless agent after useless agent, I drafted a number of emails to the airline’s Customer Care Department a.k.a. the Couldn’t Care Less About Customers Department. I went through a few drafts before settling on what I ultimately sent, and I would like to share these drafts with you as templates for current and/or future emails you may wish to send. You’re welcome.
I am writing to apologize for yelling at and hanging up on the customer service agent with whom I was speaking around 10:30 a.m. PST on February 22. I disconnected our phone call so I could focus on driving to the airport and confronting a representative in person, figuring if I was going to get this heated and animated, I might as well have an audience. In case you are curious, I ended up turning around before I got to the car because I remembered that it has become the industry standard to replace all human presence with automated machines and/or people who are unintelligible to me because I, like most Americans, do not speak any other relevant languages. Maybe we Americans should, I’ll give you that, but please give notice that secondary and tertiary language proficiencies are required in order to access the many benefits that your A+ customer service department offers.
I commend your customer service department for employing non-confrontational calming techniques, such as putting me on hold for back-to-back extended periods of time, while your representatives attend impromptu training sessions to get up to speed on timely issues that their customers have raised with them at the outset of the call. I am a big fan of teaching moments, and pleased I was able to be part of such a moment after bringing your staff up-to-date on recent company news. However, as I informed your agent this morning, my services are not free and I am therefore writing today to submit my invoice for educational services provided. Please tender this invoice to your accounts payable department and feel free to contact me for future contracting services.
Talking to your customer service representatives is what I imagine ripping my hair out, eating it, and then trying to shit it back out feels like—excruciating, frustrating, and drawn out. If I were just slightly more disturbed, I would do exactly that, and then shape it into the form of a Boeing 787 Dreamliner, on which I may or may not be flying anymore, and send it to your Customer Care Department. With respect to my flight status, I suppose only time will tell, because it doesn’t seem like your customer service agents will ever be able to.
Death, that hath suck’d the honey of thy battery,
Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty;
Thou art not conquer’d; beauty’s ensign yet
Is crimson in thy wings, and in thy frame,
And death’s pale flag is not advanced there.