mug shots to murder for

I have a history of absolutely incredible philanthropic ideas because in the 21st century world of development and fundraising, one can find funding for almost any cause.  Seriously.

  • Need medical care for your dwarf horse who services blind folk?  Ask the Guide Horse Foundation.
 Guide Horse Foundation
  • Need assistance for your deformed human dwarf?  Mobility International USA might be able to help.
  • And, if you can’t foot the bill for June’s dwarf tossing contest, just ask almost any bar to host the event for you.  That’s a win-win proposal.

So, it’s in the spirit of open-mindedness and fundraising that I have decided to pursue a nonprofit dedicated to a cause that I think has gone unnoticed and misunderstood for far too long.  Drum roll please …

I would like to introduce to you, the Foundation for Better-Looking Bookings. You know what I’m talking about: the dried-tear, mascara-drenched, puffy-eyed, and overall disgusting-looking mug shot.

It’s bad enough to lose your composure, potentially piss your pants, and have to call your mom for bail money–having to then have your picture taken is totally unfair.  The Foundation for Better-Looking Bookings [FBLB] will provide women with much needed aesthetic primping prior to having their mug shot taken, so that when they look back on that moment years down the road and/or when their bosses or grandchildren manage to find the image on Google, they can at least relish in the flawless canvas that is their prison-bound face.  As a note of clarification, we are not advocating topless mugshots.  Yet.

Just a tad of makeup can make all the difference!  See that smile on her face?  She knows she looks good; she is a confident, strong-willed, and sexy offender.  Wouldn’t you want to look like this before you are beat bloody in the holding cell, or before you vomit all over your hair and standard-issue jumpsuit?  Yes, of course!  What woman wouldn’t!?

How are we going to fulfill our mission and provide this service, you ask?  Don’t worry, I have a business plan which fully details our implementation efforts, but to summarize for you, we are going to rely on the goodwill and kindness of our invaluable lesbian correction officer community who have a vested interest in maintaining a certain standard with respect to their female detainees.  The correction system in this country is a well-oiled machine and soon its female inmates will be a well-bronzed part of that machine.

We are in the start-up phase, but hope to be available in a prison near you soon.  I promise you, this is a much better idea than my seminal iPads for Hobos proposal of 2012.



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