Amidst the political, economic, religious, and social tension dividing our society and making our neighbors more akin to strangers than ever before, I want to remind everyone of a simple truth. We should not be divided into Democrats or Republicans, pro-life or pro-choice, liberal or conservative, Christian or Muslim. There are, in fact, only two types of people in this world: men with lady hands and all the rest of us.
“What are men with lady hands” you ask? No, you wouldn’t ask such a stupid question, because you know exactly what I’m talking about unless, of course, you are a man with lady hands. I know I lean on science a lot, but this is such a universal truth that you can’t even find a good picture of this phenomena. It’s just fact.
While every case is unique, there are some common factors differentiating ‘them’ from ‘us’ and this time, a penis is not one of them. You know the signs: small hands, short fingers, nicely manicured nails, smooth skin, and bratwurst-like digits that narrow at the tip similar to an uncut or unraveling sausage (get your mind out of the gutter). In many instances, these characteristics will be accompanied by a high-pitched voice, tight-fitting brown belts, and male-pattern baldness. Like I said, each case is unique but without a doubt, you know it when you see it. And when you see it, you’ll back away. Well, I’ll back away. That shit makes me more nervous than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
If you happen to be a man reading this post and suspect you have lady hands, you probably won’t know it unless you meet me and I decline to shake your hand, citing religious reasons. Then, you’ll know.