everybody get together

Amidst the political, economic, religious, and social tension dividing our society and making our neighbors more akin to strangers than ever before, I want to remind everyone of a simple truth.  We should not be divided into Democrats or Republicans, pro-life or pro-choice, liberal or conservative, Christian or Muslim.  There are, in fact, only two types of people in this world: men with lady hands and all the rest of us.

“What are men with lady hands” you ask?  No, you wouldn’t ask such a stupid question, because you know exactly what I’m talking about unless, of course, you are a man with lady hands.  I know I lean on science a lot, but this is such a universal truth that you can’t even find a good picture of this phenomena.  It’s just fact.

While every case is unique, there are some common factors differentiating ‘them’ from ‘us’ and this time, a penis is not one of them.  You know the signs: small hands, short fingers, nicely manicured nails, smooth skin, and bratwurst-like digits that narrow at the tip similar to an uncut or unraveling sausage (get your mind out of the gutter).  In many instances, these characteristics will be accompanied by a high-pitched voice, tight-fitting brown belts, and male-pattern baldness.  Like I said, each case is unique but without a doubt, you know it when you see it.  And when you see it, you’ll back away.  Well, I’ll back away.  That shit makes me more nervous than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

If you happen to be a man reading this post and suspect you have lady hands, you probably won’t know it unless you meet me and I decline to shake your hand, citing religious reasons.  Then, you’ll know.



4 thoughts on “everybody get together

  1. I’d rather be a man with lady hands than a woman with baby hands. I’m wearing a 4 1/2 size wedding ring right now, and I’m pretty sure my hands haven’t grown since kindergarten. Somehow my parents thought that making me play piano was a good idea. Ouch.

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