Happy Pie Chart Friday, readers!
Most certainly long-overdue, I received my first piece of work-related hate mail today. OK, well, it was an email but I’m going to print it and frame it anyway. After almost booking a plane ticket to Arizona to beat within inches of his life the asshole who sent it, I calmed down a bit and started thinking through possible responses. Because there is no way in hell I’m letting anyone get away with talking to me like that, at least professionally. If you’re going to accost me in my personal life in such a manner, I’ll probably take it in stride, especially if you pour a beer on me while doing so. But professionally, I am young, dumb, and have a reputation to build here, and being a pansy-ass pushover does not fit with what I’m going for.
So, today’s Pie Chart Friday is dedicated to the array of responses I went through before settling on the one that resonated most after walking away from the situation for an hour, during which time I became even more heated.
The “Brush It Off” response: “Dear Douchebag: Thanks so much for writing, I hope all is well! Best, El”
The “Do You Think I’m Your Assistant?” response: “Dear Douchebag: This misunderstanding is quite regrettable, and I apologize for anything I may have said or done that has contributed to your delusion that I serve as your personal assistant. In fact, the acronyms following my electronic signature are not typos; rather they indicate a highly advanced and sophisticated level of education and experience. Further, the title displayed directly below that string of what you now know to be intentional acronyms would suggest that I am, in fact, a member of our senior management team. As our organization is not a team of secretarial staff, the senior team of which I am part is not intended to assist you with your administrative needs. Best of luck in this situation and to close this loop, I am unable to perform the task detailed in your email. Best, El”
The “If Your Face Were An Apple, I’d Be Making Applesauce” response: “Dear Douchebag: I was taken aback by your more recent email and initially thought it would be best to meet in-person to discuss the issues you raised therein. After further thought, I decided it would be best to address this immediately, despite the obvious benefits to be gained by a face-to-face meeting, at least from my perspective. If we were to sit down with one another I would stress to you the precise parameter of my position at this organization and also detail my responsibilities here, and the ways in which they do not at all overlap with what you are expecting of me. I might also beat your fucking face in with my briefcase. Wishing you well in my absence, El.”
The “I’m Not Sure I Understand What You’re Saying” response: “Dear Douchebag: I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m a bit confused by your recent correspondence. When you said “I rely on your organization to provide this service” what service, exactly, were you meaning to reference? I have reviewed the inventory of services we provide but did not see any service matching the specifications described in your email. I also checked with accounting to see what sort of services your offices have been compensating my organization for, but found no record of payments. Surely, though, this must be wrong. It would be rather worrisome if we were providing you with a service that is both not within our organizational responsibility and also a service with which your organization is primarily charged. I’ll check again with Accounting and Custodial. Regards, El.”
The “Go Fuck Yourself” response: “Dear Douchebag: Go fuck yourself.”
I ended up sending one of these–if you can guess which, I’ll treat you to a personalized and absolutely delightful piece of hate email.