Dear UB40, Red wine is over-rated. Love, El.

I know absolutely nothing about wine, except how to open a bottle of it and drink it, and even the former gives me trouble here and there.  So awhile back, I wanted to address this obvious gap in knowledge, and I started adding wine to my in-home liquor store–formerly known as my bathroom closet.  In addition to broadening my horizons, I figured I would generally drink less overall, since wine doesn’t go down quite like beer.  So good when it hits your lips …

Anyway, I started with white wine, Riesling to be specific, because some of it genuinely tastes like candy and if there’s one thing I like more than booze (and almost as much as cats, but certainly not as much) it’s candy.  Target CubesConsidering my Go To is Target-brand boxed Riesling, it’s almost like being back in grade school again and drinking two too many juice boxes with lunch.  Don’t even get me started on the White Sangria boxes–the last time I got down on those, I started a fight with an infant.  Not my best moment, but still a damn good boxed drink.

After a few months of nothing but Riesling, which I ended up over-drinking every time, I decided to switch to something a bit less sweet that–naturally–I wouldn’t drink as much of, so I moved to Pinot grigio.  Things started out well, aside from the fact that I couldn’t distinguish one from the other, no matter how much effort I expended trying.  After a few weeks though, it all started going down way too easy.  This, too, is sold in boxed form by Target and as you may be able to guess, I will buy anything from Target that comes in a box.  I then moved briefly to Chardonnay, but was wholly unable to distinguish this from Pinot grigio (aside from the fact that it is sold by Target in a different colored box) so I have very recently taken the plunge into red wine.

I have never enjoyed the taste of red wine–no matter what kind–and can only make it through one glass of the stuff before I’m over it.  This is a good sign, so I invested in enough to fill my wine rack (and bought a wine rack that fits bottles, not boxes).  Over the last week or so, I have tried a few different kinds, but I can’t recall what and/or the differences among them.  Almost without exception–no, actually without exception–I have disliked every red I’ve tried and have indeed been drinking less on account of this.  This is most definitely a shame, even if it’s one of my stated goals (many of my goals are shameful).

Aside from just tasting disgusting–which I can still get past at this point; I drink Fireball after all–it leaves such annoying stains on your lips, hours upon hours after you finish the last glass!  It took a few days of my boss recommending I “buy some color-stay lipstick because the remnants of yours look like red wine stains” before I realized what was going on.  I did not bother to tell my boss that my lipstick was red wine stains and no, I do not bother to look in the mirror very often which is why I obviously missed this tell-tale sign of my nightly romp around the wine rack.  This morning, I did look in the mirror and had to create the most unnaturally disgusting shade of lipstick to cover up the wine stains which–because I don’t own color-stay lipstick–had worn off by the time I got to work.  By noon today, I had the brand, type, and price of the exact lipstick my boss recommended for me, in addition to advice on where to buy it in the metro area.

I’ll obviously be making a trip to Target tonight to pick up whatever shade of long-wear lipstick comes in a box, and a new wine cube to test out with it.

 

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