compromise is a bitch(y neighbor)

Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and instead of killing your neighbors and burying their bodies in the apartment complex’s secure bike yard along with their rat of a dog and impressive collection of cigarette packs, you just have to move.  So that’s what I’m setting to do, right after I figure out how to get out of my current lease.

I have four months left and the fee for breaking the lease is two month’s rent, plus a fee, plus the poor excuse for “concessions” that the company has offered me in the past to stay in this hell-hole for a home.  What could I do with this money I would be spending to break my lease?  A lot of things:

  • buy 25 tickets to Akron, Ohio, on Frontier Airlines—NOT during a sale
  • rent out conference space in the W hotel for purposes of hosting my first cat-fashion show
  • build an impressive temporary home/shelter made from cardboard boxes and electrical cables, to place in the common area of my complex while I’m waiting for my lease to expire
  • buy 4,000 bags of Haribo gummy candy
  • meet my insurance deductible 3 times after getting sick on Haribo gummy candy
  • go to the emergency room 400 times to get stitches after slipping on Jello
  • replace my uninsured iPhone 5 at least 6 times after accidentally tossing it out my car window
  • drink lots of better booze

I could go on—but won’t.  As you can see, this is a tough choice, even when weighed against the likely outcomes of staying in this apartment for another four months:

  • begin eating my hair and rocking back and forth in the gaming chair that I specifically bought in order to rock back and forth (but at a faster and more psychologically disturbed speed than that at which I normally do–rock, that is; not eat my hair)
  • commence heavy heavier drinking
  • collect small cat turds in Walmart bags to rub on my neighbors’ door handles after they’ve all gone to bed
  • start sleeping in my miniature closet to get away from the neighbors’ 5:45 a.m. noise
  • become resigned to clean my bathtub so I can sleep in it after the novelty of sleeping in my closet wears out
  • take up smoking and bum cigarettes from my neighbors

I’m at an impasse my friends.  WWYD?  I know, you’re not Jesus, but you’ll have to do for now.


13 thoughts on “compromise is a bitch(y neighbor)

    1. OMG, I’m so scared of spiders. But I’m responding anyway!

      Thanks for reading! This is not something I’m above doing, and you can read that as: I’ve definitely done it before. AND I’ve giggled each time, although they did not.

  1. Here’s what you should do. Spend the next four months secretly taping their conversations through the vents. Then splice them together on your computer to make it sound like they are all plotting to kill each other in a Survivor-type death match involving some kind of deep hatred and a bunch of money. Then, create a fake file of a call you made to the police to alert them of this behavior and plant it on the 9-1-1 servers to absolve yourself of any wrongdoing. (Don’t actually call the police.) After that, begin to befriend each of your neighbors in different situations, while not revealing that you know the other members of their family. Convince each of them (using the spliced conversations) that they are about to be killed by other members of their family, and then just sit back and watch the drama unfold. One of them will crack, and they’ll all end up dead. And then you can continue to live there in peace.

    Or you could move. It does seem easier.

  2. You should definitely do two things – rub cat shit all over everything your neighbor owns, and host a cat fashion show. I have two little adorable babies who would love to strut their stuff on a runway.

    1. I agree completely.

      Oh, and please send along head and body shots of your little felines, preferably in a variety of attire. I’m sure they’re cute as hell, but it’s a tough market out there and I’ve got a lot of aspiring models. Meowdels. I said that.

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