You guessed it, it’s Granny Panty Week! I suspect most of you know exactly what I’m talking about and if you don’t, I guess you will in a minute (or five if you read at a third-grade level).
Doing laundry is a drag, especially when you don’t have access to a personal washer and dryer but do have access to an apartment complex full of assholes who can’t accomplish a single load in the community machines in under 24 hours. If you are ever in need of slow-moving douchebags to accomplish absolutely nothing over the course of a significant period of time, hit me up, I’ve got some to spare. I couldn’t imagine a situation in which something like that would come in handy but hey, there’s a fetish for everything these days.
The point is, I don’t get around to laundry often and would argue that anyone who does, doesn’t have anything better to do. Or they have a washer and dryer in-home but whatever, end scene. I have a healthy hatred of doing laundry and when you add that to my unhealthy hatred of getting up early, which is the only way to find a free washer and dryer in this favela of a complex, you can imagine it’s not a pretty situation. No one should be up at 5 a.m. and be sober and I know from personal experience that trying to launder when you’re drunk is a dangerous endeavor. (To be fair, I was not the one who threw up in the dryer.)
In-between each unfortunate morning that I am up that early to do laundry, months can pass, during which I have to make do with what dirty and/or unfashionable attire I have. So, I recycle suits, wear lots of neon skorts, and do loads of Dry Clebrezing, which can be achieved by anyone with low standards, an apathetic outlook, and a full bottle of Febreze®. The way I see it, if you’re taking a Febreze® shower (which I am), you might as well do laundry too. I don’t care if it’s trashy, because it works–kind of like breast implants.
The only hitch, as you may have suspected and/or hoped by this point–the same practice is not true of underwear. That would be gross, and trashy and gross are two vastly different things that I like to keep as such. So, when faced with a pile of dirty clothes that is quickly becoming a cat bed and dozens of things you’d rather be doing than laundry, some of us ladies first reach into the back of the closet to fish out the D-squad: the underwear you can comfortably pull over your head while wearing a helmet; the near-legging-like monsters that you can only wear under a wool skirt, otherwise it would look like you were wearing two skirts; the quilt-like garments that double as a comforter at night.
Sure they’re revolting, make me feel like less of a woman, and pretty much guarantee I won’t see my boyfriend for a week, but they: 1) are free and clean; 2) don’t require that I wake up early to put them on; 3) will buy me another week and countless activities that are more fun than laundry; and 4) will obviate the need for clean sweatpants when I’m hanging out with my cat this evening.