I don’t know why I’m surprised when Mondays turn into shit show central around here, it’s exactly the same drill every week.
By the time I get in, Harriet Hates Her Job has successfully brewed the worst tasting coffee in the history of bad office coffee. She will naturally have forgotten to wash the filter prior to doing so for the eighth week in a row now–a practice to which this slop owes its rancid, trash-can aftertaste. I will fill my cup one-fourth of the way full and pour hot water into the rest, hoping to dilute what is surely the taste of caffeinated RAID. This, of course, won’t have any effect, so the entire thing will sit on my desk until at least the next day.
Like most of my coworkers, I spend the morning catching up on the weekend’s many emails. I also spend this time being thoroughly annoyed by the fact that Steven Suck Up and Kristen Kiss Ass were emailing the boss all weekend. I will dedicate a good 30 minutes to discounting whatever either of them said in their weekend correspondences, but Cathy Crisis will interrupt me with an array of absolutely meaningless tasks that absolutely must be completed this very second. I will nod frantically and immediately place the files into a follow-up folder that doubles as my recycling bin.
Just when I’m ready to dive into what I’m supposed to be doing, I realize that Carlos Can’t Clean for Shit has rearranged the contents of my desk and also has broken the riser foot on my keyboard, doing who the hell knows what. This will take me 25 minutes to put back on because I am an idiot and do not get paid to know how to do these things. I will finally find my To Do list behind my desk, along with my stress ball, which I will squeeze for five minutes to calm my anger towards Carlos and keep myself from calling ICE. After this, I will feel like a huge racist and will experience overwhelming thoughts of regret and shame, because I don’t know if his name is Carlos. I have never actually seen who cleans my cubicle in the evenings. The self-disgust will be so overwhelming that I will have to leave the office and give money to the beggar on the street, to validate my worth as a human being. Of course, this will happen on the way from picking up lunch, and the amount of change I have depends on the meal I have just purchased.
The afternoon kicks off with a weekly mandatory-attendance status meeting, at which David the Director gets to hear all about how poorly we are running his business. Although everyone will be able to see through it, I will smile, nod, and be generally enthused about the great work my department is doing, an exercise that will be followed by others and will include a variation of the following:
- Don’t Ask Me Dan will request additional administrative support to push through the highly relevant and timely project that everyone, including David the Director, had forgotten about and which had been removed from the status meeting agenda entirely. He will also be chewing gum throughout the course of this discussion and will smack his lips in disdain to any and all who suggest more appropriate uses of the single administrative staffer this business has managed to retain over the last four months.
- Kristen Kiss Ass will chime in at every available opportunity throughout the meeting but her time to shine will really come when it’s time to report out on productivity for the quarter. Here, she will point to her numbers and revenue generated–by point, I mean PowerPoint–and, of course, will reference some of the content contained in her weekend emails to David the Director. At this point, I am not the only one annoyed and many of us will throw imaginary Kikis in our heads when Fuck Off Fred interrupts to explain why Kristen wasn’t as productive as she initially calculated.
- Irrelevant Ian will begin and end his substantive report by announcing that the office will have its first silent auction next Friday, all the proceeds of which will go to his son’s Boy Scout Troop. He will not pick up on the fact that no one in the room is any bit interested and will continue to detail the Troop’s upcoming retreat and unfortunate budget problems. Randy will not mention the Scout’s policy towards homosexual boys, but you can tell that Fabulous Frank wants to talk about it.
- He won’t, though, because David the Director will interrupt at this point and attempt to encapsulate the discussion so far, which takes all of a minute and includes the following descriptors: “stalled,” disappointing,” “delayed,” “less-than-desirable,” and–the hallmark–“on the back burner” which is where most of Don’t Ask Me Dan’s career lives.
- The meeting will end with a report on administrative items by Tammy Talks to Herself, who will explain in excruciating detail her recent efforts at purchasing coffee straws from Staples–an exercise which somehow resulted in the office receiving a 1,000-count box of wooden stir sticks from Office Depot. Erin the Environmentalist doesn’t like where this is going but thankfully no one gives a fuck. This marks the last time Tammy will talk to another human today and the first of Erin’s weekly rants about commingled containers.
Once this hellacious exercise ends, I return to my desk for a quick cry and afternoon pick-me-up which consists of candy and 30 minutes spent looking for a new job online. Once I have succeeded and failed at those tasks, respectively, I’m back at my To Do list to change all the dates to tomorrow. Then, I endeavor to see how much money I can waste on Groupon. A lot is always the answer and the significant deficit in my checking account inspires me to be a productive team member the following day. This will last for five minutes and my final task, ten minutes later, consists of hitting Ctrl + Shift + N on Google Chrome to watch this video twice through: