it’s like pissing on a robot

One of my greatest accomplishments in life was learning to use the toilet at the ripe age of 8, although my mastery of that skill may not be entirely clear in light of some of the content on this blog. Since then, I have had the luxury of not having to stress over using the toilet until I was introduced to the robots that double as toilets in Japan (more on robots later).

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With each toilet attached to its own remote control, the power is truly in your fingertips.

20130525-152551.jpgWant a nice, toasty warm seat? There’s a button for that.  Want the masking sounds of a toilet flushing? There is a button for that, nevermind that the toilet doesn’t actually sound like that when it flushes.  Seat up, seat down: buttons.  Quick bowl rinse or more water: button, button.  Water up your butt, water up your cooter, water up both?!  Praise Jesus there are buttons for all of that!  Is the water too hot/cold?  Need higher/lower water pressure?  More buttons.  These things have buttons for days!  

Without a doubt, these toilets are smarter than our electorate and far more capable than our legislature.  They are called “Western style” but there is nothing Western about them, just pure genius InnovAsian.  Given their superior intelligence, it didn’t entirely surprise me that I had trouble figuring out how to flush some of them, but I bet it did surprise, in a very annoying way, numerous patrons of the restaurants in whose bathrooms I spent a near eternity trying to locate the correct button.  Fortunately, some came with instructions conveniently located right next to the control panel.

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I know, incredibly helpful…

I’m not going to lie, in the comfort of my hotel I played around with the buttons a bit, especially the ones that control this thing: 

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I’ve never felt dirtier while getting clean, I’ll tell you what.  It didn’t tickle my fancy–at least in the figurative sense–but boy do some people like this function, so much so that they sell hand-held versions that you can store discretely (I would hope) in your purse and use any number of places, like at work, in the gym locker room, at a friend’s house, down at the local sushi restaurant, in the alley, etc.  I image it even doubles as a squirt gun if you find yourself caught in an impromptu water fight.  It could even help you wash the onion taste out of your mouth after lunch, assuming you didn’t poop all over it at breakfast.  

Now, just because I didn’t take to this function as well as others didn’t mean I didn’t want one of my own.  Like a true American, it’s not exercising a right that matters to me, it’s the option of doing so with the understanding that I never will.  Turns out, for a few hundred dollars, I could have had one, except I didn’t feel like throwing out the Godzilla costume to make room in my carry-on, or explaining to Customs and Immigration why I was traveling with nothing but a remote-controlled toilet.  One of these days, though, I will have one and when I do my home will be filled with the sounds of giggles and loop-playback flushing, and will smell like fresh deodorizing spray.  Oh yeah, there’s a button for that too.

 

 

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