Whitney Houston is rolling in her grave

A few weeks ago, I had the distinct displeasure of being stuck in high-school-graduation traffic, as every school within a 120-mile radius from the city had chosen to convene their ceremony at a venue smack in-between my home and office. Could I take another route to and from work? Sure. Why didn’t I? Who the hell knows. It was incredibly annoying, though, I’ll tell you what.

High school students these days are of a different breed than when I graduated, back in the days where a neon skort was a coveted fashion must-have. Some of the “kids” streaming out of the stadium looked old enough to have given birth to me, had they not already taxed their reproductive organs populating this Brave New World. I happened to have my window down one day while stuck in this traffic and from what I could tell of the folks passing through the crosswalk, these graduations predominately smelled like Drakkar Noir and babies born out of wedlock. Ha! Who says wedlock anymore … Anyway, I’ve said it before (and because I am a one-to-three trick pony will say it again) if the kids are our future we’re totally fucked, and not in an adventurous, we’ll-laugh-about-this-tomorrow kind of way; more like in the smoking-induced-trach-tube sort of way.

Speaking of which, when I Googled “trach tube” to verify I was spelling it correctly (of course I was), I came across this posting that I initially found to be even more unfortunate than the derelict excuse for students that my glorious state graduated this spring. I first assumed this rambling drab was designed to have some sort of inspirational message behind it but I couldn’t get that far because it was too funny and after awhile I couldn’t see past the tears in my eyes. After getting past my giggle fest, I came to one primary conclusion: I am the biggest dick alive because I completely missed the brain damage part. Sometimes I impress myself, and now is sort of one of those times, but not in a positive way.

I guess the moral of this story (which is not where I was going when I first sat down to write this post) is that even though I am not a sociopath, despite one asshole’s asinine accusation to this effect, I am a huge dick and if I am the future, these high school kids are looking pretty promising.


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