lean in or crouch and urinate?

Oh hey, Sheryl, here I am, leaning in with one foot up on the Facebook table, wearing my designer skirt and fanciest pair of granny panties. I hope you can see them, they’re bunching like it’s nobody’s business. I’m probably not the person you wanted leaning in to this table but I think myself capable of bringing strength to the women’s equal rights movement, and my strength will come in pissing all over this shitty social networking site. Thanks for having me.

Apart from the ‘Facebook’ aspect of the Facebook business page, some features really appeal to me, especially the buy-your-likes function. I’ve bribed my way through countless friendships, relationships, and onto pirate ships and I’m not opposed to continuing that trend here. I think before I take advantage of being taken advantage of, I’ll have to figure out how to sell the unique brand/product that is my bad attitude and propensity for booze. Therein lies the true challenge because my target audience spends their time on or under bar stools, not on Facebook and/or under the influence of Mountain Dew and Doritos. Aside from that, a serious and sustained absence from Facebook has left me ill prepared to navigate the platform. It’s kind of like the Breaking Amish gang in the middle of a sheep-lovers’ party. Yeehaw.

But being on Facebook again does feel a bit like being subjected to non-consensual inter-species intercourse, which is why I have big plans to find someone to manage my page, so I don’t have to–another benefit of passing off this charade as a business. I’ll be accepting applications starting now, and preferred qualifications include:

  • ability to type while intoxicated;
  • excels at spelling under the influence;
  • can hold one’s liquor (because I was getting ahead of myself there);
  • does grammar good;
  • possesses sense of humor and willingness to shove that humor up everyone else’s ass;
  • understands challenges of marketing an unmarketable brand;
  • can CareBear stare.

Compensation is non-existent, aside from the instant celebrity status that comes from being associated with me. Responsibilities are about as thorough as the compensation package–maybe log onto Facebook once a year and see if any developments have been made and because I wouldn’t have any idea what sort of developments could be made, expectations are low. I have at least one friend flirting with the poverty line who might be interested in this position, if only so I stop telling people he’s flirting with the poverty line.

Even if you aren’t interested in applying for this unbelievable opportunity, come find me on Facebook. Witty thoughts cross my mind all day and only a few find themselves the subject of a post. So, visit me in my mental trashcan, where thoughts go to die. You won’t regret it and if you do, I won’t.

 

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