Flow Chart Friday: ApoloJeez edition

You will never find anyone that spends more time thinking about their past than me, expect maybe Corey Haim because he went from being such a babe to total bust.  I mean, such a babe.

But I did a lot of soul searching this past weekend while I was forced to confront the depths of patheticness to which I have sunk, and I have come to the conclusion that closure has to be reached.  Since I can no longer–or have been told I should no longer–reach those with whom I need closure, I’m just going to post all those messages I thought I’d never send, here.  And maybe this will work, because I have too much going on in the future that I could mess up to continue dwelling on the past mess-ups.  Like, the possibilities for disaster are endless, as illustrated in this flow chart. (Happy Flow Chart Friday!)

Past Present Future Disaster

So here it goes, straight off my chest and on the internet, where everything gets resolved.

To one of my childhood friends–I never thought but probably should have guessed that pushing your hamster off the toilet would severely injure it.  Granted, I was 8, but that’s no excuse for harming your pet.  I’m also sorry that I lied about doing it.  Clearly you figured that out because you stopped talking to me, but I’m sorry anyway.

To my mom–For five years straight when I was a kid, I ate all the Fun Fruits out of the box the first day you bought them, and I didn’t throw the boxes away until the end of the week.  I didn’t want you to know I was such a pig, but what I did was wrong, I think.  My addiction made me do it, and for that, it’s very sorry.

To my ex-boyfriend–I’m sorry for stalking you to the extent that I thought you were married because of a joke wedding registry that your girlfriend posted.  I shouldn’t have been so nosy, and I also should have been able to tell from the high-ticket items you were asking for that it was a joke.  That was some seriously expensive shit.  I’m insane but can promise you that I will never have access to Facebook again.  But, send me the direct link to your page, just in case.

To my childhood dance instructor–I am sorry that I lied about the other student pushing me over during our 1993 Waltz of the Flowers holiday performance.  My pointe shoe slipped but at the time I didn’t know how to articulate what a shitty dancer I was.

To the one I shouldn’t have lost the way I did–Of all the things I would love to say to you, I think what you deserve most five years after the fact is an apology.  I want you to know how sorry I am for the way I treated you, and for everything that happened between us.  You deserved from me what you gave to me, and I didn’t give it back.  You deserve to not have me in your life anymore, and you also deserve for me to accept that and finally leave you be.  I am sorry from the bottom of my heart, which I do have, believe it or not.  I never meant to hurt you, but I know how badly I did.  I hope someday you can look back on me and on our time together with more than just anger, disappointment, or indifference.  Because I look back on some of the best times of my life, and I know that knowing you has made me a better person.

To my former neighbor–I’m the one who put that huge nail under your tire.  I’m not at all sorry, and I hope that will teach you not to sideswipe someone and lie about it.

 

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