Move over Mustache Movember

Looks like it’s that time of the year again. Time when men around the country prioritize making me not want to sleep with them by growing disgusting mustaches and blaming it on a charitable cause that they just can’t remember right now. I could throw 100 men committed to Mustache Movember into another crowd of 100 men committed to Mustache Movember, and I wouldn’t hit a single man committed to Mustache Movember who is giving money to charity. Or who even knew why the hell he was celebrating Mustache Movember in the first instance. It’s men’s health, assholes.

Mustache Movember has always struck me as one of the stupidest things some drunk hipster in San Francisco ever came up with, but unfortunately–like most stupid things drunk hipsters come up with–it caught on like herpes and spread until it found it’s way into the mind of an entrepreneurial fundraiser who tied it to prostate cancer, dooming it to take down legitimate men everywhere who would initially never dream of being so trendy as to tie their mustache to a particular month of the year, and also convincing the girls who date these men that because it’s for charity it’s OK to look like a pubescent Sicilian girl for an entire month. Well, that was a mustache full.

Also, for whatever reason, March and May were not suitable months. I am dying to know the story behind that one.

Instead of all this nonsense, why don’t you men out there celebrate Beard Bebruary or Tight Pants Pugust. Or, let me throw out Shaven Sanuary for your consideration. These all seem to make more sense. Charity? Who gives a shit about that.


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