Pay me to make you pee a little.

It wasn’t a December to remember but it certainly was a bender to remember. By bender, here, I am referring to unrelenting work and little else. I can see how you’d be confused–most of my benders revolve around candy and beer cans, which happens to be what I have planned, starting now.

It all started after Thanksgiving, while I was undertaking the cursory tally of things for which I am thankful, and necessarily dwelling on the things for which I am not. Determining that I am neither rich in love nor in career satisfaction, I settled on striving to be just plain rich.To that end, I’ve been working my ass off, with the express goal of making enough money to stop working my ass off. If it weren’t for online shopping, I would probably have something to show for all that work, aside from those empty FedEx boxes that my cat has craftily pawed into a new cat condominium. But I don’t and I’m coming (finally) out of this bender with an attitude that is as shitty as ever–and one hell of a new wardrobe. But not much else.

Some would call my pursuit of obscene amounts of money vapid and shallow. I would probably agree, but retort that nothing in life is free–let alone the best things in life. Whoever thinks that is not the case is either delusional or has children and is forgetting that those things cost even more money than my travel habit. If you can’t tell, I’ve been lectured about the joys of children by one too many a parent who would seemingly rather talk to me about said joys than taking that time to experience them. Serenity now!

Setting out to make as much money as humanly possible is more difficult than the infomercials make it sound. As it turns out, when it comes to making money, humanly possible goes a long way–fuck you Mark Zuckerberg. It seems that there is more involved in the pursuit of incredible wealth than luck–a lesson I learned the hard way when my first attempt to play the lottery ended in not winning. That was devastating, but I’m starting to pick up the pieces and brainstorm more practical ways of making money–like getting paid to write this blog.

I’m funny, or at least my mom thinks I am. Anywhere from zero to two people enjoy my posts enough to mindlessly click a button of approval. At least one person has peed their pants a little from reading my blog, and I know because that person is me. And, I have upwards of 1,000 followers, probably none of whom are real humans. If that isn’t a recipe for online success, I don’t know what is. But clearly it is not a recipe for success, and I really don’t know what is. Do I need to start writing longer posts? That sounds boring. Include more original photos in my posts? Also boring. Should I be soliciting conversation among my readers? WordPress seems to think so, but any reader knows that their opinion doesn’t matter. Or, should I be blogging about more serious and sophisticated content? I’m guessing the bulk of readers don’t come to the internet in lieu of reading the latest Economist. But I could be wrong. But I’m not.

I guess the point is that I haven’t completely figured out how I’m going to make my first million, but I’m working on it. Starting with tonight’s Mega Million drawing. I’m pulling for you, Spirit of Christmas. Don’t be a dick.

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