Merry Bitchmas!

Hello there!  You know what day it is … yep, it’s the day that America’s shitty humans forget how to operate their motor vehicles, but nevertheless take to the nation’s roads and highways in droves.  Oh, and it’s Christmas, too. Merry Christmas, but back to the point.

What is it about this time of year that causes people to forcibly evacuate all common sense and skill that they possessed prior to–and will presumably posses after–the holidays?  I’m not entirely sure, but I have some theories so I’ve taken to the pie chart to express my thoughts.  Like I said, Merry (Pie Chart) Christmas!

Holiday Drivers

Intoxication—I have a theory that at least ten percent of all drivers on the road are intoxicated.  I have no facts to back this up, but who needs facts when you have the intuition of someone who makes a living out of behaving badly.  Don’t get me wrong, I would never drive drunk, but only because I know that if I did I would be caught, and within seconds of setting foot in the car.  I also wouldn’t do it because killing or destroying someone’s life is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone—at least anyone who goes through the trouble of driving sober.  I once wrote my Congressman proposing a Drunk Driving Highway that could only be accessed by people driving drunk.  I figured this would satisfy those obstinate fucks who are going to drive drunk no matter what common sense suggests, while also placating the occasional party goer who doesn’t mind a few wild rides.  Lawmakers didn’t seem to take to my idea—at least I would assume this is the case–but I would like to think that’s because it would require a replication of the entire national highway system, not because the merits of the proposal were questionable.

Family-Driven Depression—No one can drive you to want to end your life quite like the people to whom you owe your life, and because most everyone has a family, I suspect most everyone would agree with me on this.  As much as Hallmark and Lifetime want to beat into our heads the beauty of spending time with family—and no matter how much we ourselves want to agree—sometimes the orphan experience can look mighty attractive.  And, naturally, when stress with having to see your family for two days in a row gets too great, people take it out in the only way society deems acceptable—on people who are not your family. While I get this, and the underlying depression that is driving these folks to act like total assholes on the roads, I have a holiday message I’d like to pass along: fuck you and your family for raising such a douche.

New Lexus—Not many people have a Lexus December to Remember, but I have to think that at least one person in the United States got a Lexus for Christmas, and I do mean that I have to think this, because I desperately want to keep hope alive. You know, keep on keepin’ on. Anyway, if I got a Lexus for Christmas, I’d drive it like a dick, too, because if I got a Lexus for Christmas I would be a dick. It’s science—ask anyone who bought their kid or spouse a Lexus for Christmas.

Discomfort Caused by Overeating—Just because fat people have a bad rap for eating a lot, doesn’t mean that they are immune to the effects of overeating. I know firsthand how brutal this can be, and anytime I’m stuck in the car with a gluttony-induced stomach ache, the only thing keeping me from driving people off the road is knowing that if I were to be arrested I wouldn’t be able to button my pants. This is a fear that drives much of my behavior, including my frequent refusal to stand up and shake hands at a business meeting and my strange habit of keeping my coat on my lap during a dinner date. Whatever, don’t judge, I have a weak stomach but hungry eyes—and yes, I’m listening to Eric Carmen right now.

Sheer Stupidity—I’m probably severely underestimating here, but there is a certain segment of the population that is just stupid. Seriously stupid. Fear not, I am in no way a member of this not-so-exclusive club, at least as far as I know. Then again, a hallmark of being a stupid person is the inability to recognize that you are one–just ask any genuinely stupid person. I have long thought that we should make traffic signals and road signs more accessible to those who cannot access intelligence, and my suggestions would include: replacing red-light cameras with red-light shotguns; manufacturing all Nissans, Kias, and Hyundais with edible ignition keys; and allowing the more adept members of society to summarily execute idiots. I suffered additional failures when raising these policy issues with lawmakers, but if I ever ascend to a position of power—unlikely—I will make sure that the stupider segment of society has a free pass to the drunk driving highway.




  1. Katie Renee

    I’ll never have a December to Remember, but I feel like being able to execute morons would make the holiday season memorable. Also, the drunk driving highway would be quite an attraction… Like an American autobahn.

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