Guess who’s back! Fortunately it’s not Eminem despite MTV and local radio protests to the contrary. Much like the Razor Scooter on college campuses across the country, I have returned, which may not exactly be a top shelf news item but is potentially worthy of some attention nonetheless. I’ve spent the last few wintery months hibernating and generally not giving a shit, all the while fervently exploring new ways to make a name for myself and/or make a ton of money. I’d take the latter without the former, I’m not picky.
People say ‘third time’s a charm’ but those people are losers by definition, because only losers have to make a third attempt doing something they have failed to accomplish twice prior. And, at that point, I suspect that success is reached on the third try only because standards have been slashed substantially and even an inkling of achievement is blown epically out of proportion. Accordingly, here I am, back a third time pushing my little dream of worldwide success and a mansion full of cat condos constructed entirely of gold and ostrich feathers, all via this incredible blog on a mediocre social media platform. As you can tell, at least this time around, I am managing my expectations, and you will not find me crushed if this post, or one or two following it, don’t instantly land me a job at Gawker Media. I’m sure that third post will do the trick.
Lest you fear that I have been idle in my e-absence, I assure you this is not the case. I’ve been on a mission recently, thanks to a New Year’s Resolution that I intended to make a good college try fulfilling, to better my situation and—you guessed it—make a ton of money as a means through which to do so. Naturally, I first turned to the stock market which, along with the internet and traffic patterns, I have never quite gotten a handle on, or even remotely understand. But I have never let lack of knowledge or talent stop me from achieving utter failure.
While I may not understand the intricacies of investing, I do understand that people can make a lot of money from the stock market, and while those people may be few and far between, I am undoubtedly among them. Indeed, my market success to-date has looked something like this:
I know, I know—not bad for an amateur investor. I have been assured that the market will turn around. After all, consider what happened following the Great Depression, and don’t focus on the world war component. One day soon, I will make millions and when that happens I will expertly reinvest it and make billions and when that happens I will pay Justin Bieber to return to his home country and leave Selena Gomez alone.
In my free time between attending and dreaming of leaving two jobs, and obsessively refreshing my AmeriTrade homepage, I have over the last nine weeks engaged in an impressive cycle of drinking, inspired in part by Tyrion Lannister’s proclamation: “It’s not easy being drunk all the time. If it were easy, everyone would do it.” I am known among key segments of my city’s social scene (and its law enforcement arm) for excelling where others fail when it comes both to my expertise in local craft breweries and my indiscriminate consumption of anything containing yeast. Here, I have indeed made a name for myself but once you reach the top it can be a lonely place and I’m tired of drinking alone. In the dark. In my closet.
Which brings me back to the social and online media sensation that is this blog–or will be any day now. In the coming weeks, I’ll be rolling out a host of new and tried-and-true features. Here’s what you have to look forward to:
- More pie charts! Keep your pants on if there are children around.
- A travel and city review section! Watch out, Atlanta, this won’t be pretty for you.
- Sports! Actually just beer-league dodge ball.
- Investing tips! Forbes and MarketWatch have nothing on my spin-the-bottle stock selection method.
- David Bowie! Because why the fuck not?
So stay tuned. And stay classy–someone’s gotta do it and clearly I don’t want to.