Dear Sirs:

The only thing I hate more than working is looking for another place to work. I’m not 15 anymore, so my standards for employment are a bit higher than $5.50/hr, a plastic name tag, and two company aprons.  Specifically, I’m looking for at least $10 an hour and I’ll wear any company fringe required.

I am desperately in need of work, so naturally I have dedicated significant portions of my day to drafting cover letters for my friends who are equally desperate but lesser abled (and lesser qualified). I figure karma has to come back around once they land a job solely on the basis of the incredible and poignant cover letter I provided for them. Then again, from what I understand, the salary at Sears and the like doesn’t leave much room for rewarding your friends with extravagant gatherings and lavish gifts.

I guess I should really be focusing more on drafting my own cover letters, but that sounds like a really boring idea when I could be spending my free time writing something like this:


April 7, 2014

Dear XXX, XXXXX, and XXXX:

I am writing to respectfully ask—but in the most hardcore way—that you consider me for the part-time beer slinger position at XXXXXXXX Brewery.

I am not currently looking for employment, but I cannot pass up the opportunity to possibly work with you dudes a few nights a week.  From my first sip, I knew you guys were not the typical brewery, and that is such a relief from the generic microbrewpocalypse that has hit our city in recent years.  I would welcome the opportunity to help your beer, your brewery, and your nasty-but-in-a-cool-way vibe spread.  As to the job requirements, let me address each in turn:

Brews:  I’ve had every beer you’ve poured upon opening and, for the most part, have enjoyed every one of them.  Even the ones that weren’t my style, I still appreciated.  You all are pushing the envelope with your beers—and its one damn good (and wet) envelope.  Beyond what’s on tap, I’m always quick to buy your bottle releases.  I’ve even followed the progression of artwork on your XXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXX Ale labels.  The XXXXXXXX label was righteous, but the art on the XXXXXXX XXXXXX, XXXXXXXX, XXX, and XXXXX XXXXX labels are looking killer on my TV stand.  

Tunes:  My perfect day involves waking up to Three Inches of Blood and brushing my teeth at night to Sleep.  If Johan Hegg were writing me a reference letter, he’d tell you to hire me in a throaty whisper but may also tell you he loves 90 Shilling.  But fuck 90 Shilling, am I right?!  Honestly, though, the music scene that XXXXXXXX puts off is icing on a tasty metal cake.  It’s so refreshing to find a place that’s more committed to being itself than catering to the Cross Fit crowd next door.  (By the way, in my perfect world, your brewery will take over that space and refuse service to anyone talking about WODs.)  I recently had the (dis)pleasure of being dragged to XXX XXXX Brewery, where I was forced to rub elbows—literally—with hundreds of the city’s fair-weather beer fans, while listening to the Goo Good Dolls’ greatest hits.  Knowing that I can come to XXXXXXXX and not have that experience is what keeps me coming back time and again.

Not being a prick:  I’m a nice guy, although every single one of my friends might tell you differently.  I would have no problem treating customers with the utmost respect.  But, I’ll tell you what, if they don’t treat you guys and the brewery with respect—I will still take their money for you.

Hustle:  I’ve never worked behind the bar before but I know my way around pouring a beer.  If there’s one thing I would appreciate more than pouring myself a beer, it would be pouring a XXXXXXXX beer for someone else.  If that’s the hustle you’re looking for, I’ve got it.

I do appreciate your consideration.  With the reputation XXXXXXXX has, I’m sure you’ll find yourself with a ton of qualified applicants.  While I can’t offer you an impressive employment history in bartending, if you hire me you can be sure that 1) I won’t be trying to take your job and 2) you will get someone who truly believes in what you are doing.  Feel free to contact me with any questions and or recommendations on how to be hardcore.  

With warmest metal wishes,



As you can see, I have redacted names and locations because–naturally–I am going to take this letter I crafted for my friend and use it myself when I apply for the position.  Wish me luck–I hope I can stay sober enough to hand it in.


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