Jesus gave up on me long ago, and that’s only if—big if—he even had an interest in me after I defecated all over the doctor who delivered… Read more “stigmatic. stupid. stitches.”
The only thing I hate more than working is looking for another place to work. I’m not 15 anymore, so my standards for employment are a bit… Read more “Dear Sirs:”
Guess who’s back! Fortunately it’s not Eminem despite MTV and local radio protests to the contrary. Much like the Razor Scooter on college campuses across the country, I… Read more “Now call it a comeback.”
Cats In Your Pants returns April 1st! Thanks for being patient while I get my life out of the toilet.
Hello there! You know what day it is … yep, it’s the day that America’s shitty humans forget how to operate their motor vehicles, but nevertheless take to… Read more “Merry Bitchmas!”
It wasn’t a December to remember but it certainly was a bender to remember. By bender, here, I am referring to unrelenting work and little else. I… Read more “Pay me to make you pee a little.”
I have vivid memories from childhood of other kids calling me a carpenter’s dream–you know, flat as a board and stiff as a nail. But once I… Read more “a carpenter’s dream”