Health

ovaries vs. NOvaries

Very recently, I was diagnosed with the breast cancer gene–the one made famous by Angelina Jolie.  The diagnosis has left me with some mixed emotions, mostly centered on how, exactly, I should reach out to Angie for support and, oh, maybe a lifetime of friendship and camaraderie, but at the very least a happy hour […]

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blowga

I’ve been doing a lot of yoga lately.  I really like yoga, there are so, so many benefits to practicing yoga and I can’t begin to explain how fucking sick I am of hearing about all of them. My biggest complaint about practicing yoga is that you have to do it with other people, and […]

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Bitch Camp

Now that it’s summer I’m focusing on getting in shape which means I’ll be bikini ready by mid-November. This is not surprising–I’m always late, a trait that almost never works out in my favor; fortunately, I never care.  But it would be nice to accomplish what I know, deep down, will be jack shit before […]

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bitches get stitches

There are very few instances in which you walk out the door knowing you are going to end up in the hospital before the night’s end, but by 6:30 p.m. this past Saturday I knew. I’ve always had a knack for recognizing a bad decision, even when I’m engaging in and thoroughly enjoying making one, […]

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Hey Creutzfeldt-Jakob, I’m El

I am very rapidly losing my mental faculties.  While the first suspect would be Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease from that stint in Europe during which I happened to drink far too much to caution me out of consuming an unhealthy amount of McDonald’s mad-cowburgers, after consulting the internet, neither early onset dementia nor Alzheimer’s is out of […]

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psycho(sis)

Talking to my psychiatrist sometimes is like ripping my teeth out one by one, soaking them in gasoline and then putting them back in my mouth.  Needless to say it’s uncomfortable and borders on excruciating every time he says “And why do you think that is the case?”  Why go, you ask?  Yeah, good point, […]

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Hariblowing out of my pants

I’ve always been a major proponent of the ‘do now, ask questions later’ school of thought, so naturally 15 lbs. later I’m wondering “what the fuck happened!?”  Fortunately it didn’t take me long to discover the answer, which lay in a veritable Trail of Tears consisting of bags of Haribo gummy candy leading from the […]

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Under Armour

There’s a new Under Armour TV advertisement out there that does little other than motivate me to spend the rest of my probably short and definitely obese life locked in my closet, which is a spandex/velour-only zone. A word to the marketing geniuses out there who created this ad–the best way to sell workout clothes […]

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burlesque

I’ve recently been back in the sexy-dance studio, this time with vintage burlesque–not to be confused with contemporary burlesque in which ladies took off a bit more clothes but still hardly anything. Something like that … or perhaps not even close. Whatever. This class wasn’t as fun as swinging around on a pole like a […]

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it’s not fucking Everest

I hiked my first 14er this past weekend and, like everything in life, I severely underestimated the undertaking.  To be specific, “it’s not fucking Everest” was my mindset.  But it didn’t take long—about ten feet from the car—for me to realize “it’s not the fucking treadmill” either.  That shit is truly exhausting, although you couldn’t […]

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insomnia

I’ve developed a healthy case of insomnia lately and am slowly going fucking insane.  As you can see from this chart I prepared in advance of my performance review, my work is suffering. I am prepared to create an improvement plan for the productivity and communication issues.  The professionalism, well, it’s a work in progress […]

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