Who You Can Count On Not Being Able To Count On

Breakups are terrible.  No one is immune to the resulting devastation, unless you’re a sociopath—something I have found myself aspiring to be over the last few months.  (I realize, of course, that this is not a condition you develop through hard work and federally funded education.)  But seriously, consider a few of the defining behavioral characteristics […]


GFY Home Depot

I’m doing some home-improvement type stuff for my attitude. Like real home improvement programs, I will most likely abandon it after expending a bunch of money and effort. Who am I kidding, I haven’t attempted or even thought to attempt a single home-improvement project in my life. I think you need an actual home for […]



Tuesday was apparently National Text Your Ex Day–an unofficial holiday created, no doubt, by people who have bad ideas, and practiced only by people who like to put bad ideas into action.  Although I fall into both these categories, I did not, in fact, text any of my exes Tuesday because I just didn’t get […]



I’m being hounded by weddings, married people, pregnant people, happy people—people who I have basically nothing in common with because I’m perpetually miserable, want misery for others, and would prefer to choke a kid rather than play with one. At one point not too long ago, I was talking about marrying myself.  I found an […]